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The Killer: First Love

Brian McCollom abuse addiction Anger drug First LIfestyle Love Romance Schizoid Self-fulfilling prophecy socialization substance youth

This shows, on a first hand basis the realizations about first time romances with drugs, co-dependency, loss, and also rejoice/recovery. These first love romances can prove deadly for some. But, others are seen as more of a triumph over adversity. Do not limit romance, but heed this warning…

first love The Killer: First Love anger1Tread lightly because you may know where you start, but knowing where you end lies in the hands of fate. Some say this is completely up to you to make the active choice on the effects in your life. Me, here at Substance For You? I say there’s a middle ground. There is a gray area (for most situations). But, where does that middle ground lie? This might help you determine your path after a first time romance. Others may not have that choice, so stay humble to it!

Subject 1
Youth 17 years, male, senior public high school, Caucasian, approximately 6ft tall, brown hair brown eyes. Interview conducted through local diversionary program.

Q: What was it the first time you tried your drug of choice?
A: It was pure romance! I fell in love from the time that syringe dropped until the high wore off. Then, I wanted more! It’s like getting off with your lover for the first time. You’re just hooked.

Q: How much did this love affect your life?
A: At first I did it with friends... talk about an orgy. There were drugs and they were everywhere. It was whatever my friend’s from high school were doing. Their thing was heroin. Not to mention the cliques and social pressures. Let’s just say it affected my life enough. When you’re bored? Get high. When you play video games? Get high. When you study? You get high. Like they say in the movie How High? Something about studying high, taking the test high, and getting high grades. That pretty much fits it. You can get high for anything, even if you still show at least two shits about what you’re doing you should be fine[!] ….which gets hard to do after physical dependencies kick in. But when it’s always around who you’re around, what does it matter? It’s not going anywhere.

Q: Was there ever a time you broke up with this lover (heroin)?
A: There was plenty of times. I still don’t know if I’m an addict but I have thirty days clean. My girlfriend broke up with me during rehab, too. It’s been a particularly hard breakup all around. First the withdrawals from heroin. Then, the withdrawal from euphoric sex? Man, I can’t take it. This is probably the real reason I relapse. No more pick me ups. No more put you downs. No more sideways feelings. No more euphoria. You’re taking me off my cloud. F#$& off!

Q: Do you ever see yourself picking up that (heroin) relationship again? (Referring to relapsing in a tactful way)
A: I don't see past today, well at least not anymore! I try, and fantasize about it, but it's rough! 

Breakdown: First we see the immediate dump from the first use. As most say, “nothing will compare to your first time!”

first love The Killer: First Love anger 20controlNext we view the labeling and social and individual stigmatization associated with peer groups from an early age pushing the claims for a self-fulfilling romance into illicit substances and relationships. We see this turn from social to being physically dependent. This forcing isolation and torn relationships among loved ones in the addicts life. 

With attempts at getting clean and showing no actual signs of a recovering process [yet] the addict turns to self-loathing behavior. This henceforth creates an anger/rage inside the addict themselves. The anger can be seen at the very end of our most important questions in an attempt to tell us to ‘screw off.’

Anger seems to be a big character defect among recovering addicts, especially in the beginning stages of recovering. There is loss, grief, embarrassment, regret, physical pain, emotional violence, spiritual disconnectedness, fear, and panic among many other ailments along the process of bereavement and recovery. It’s not an easy road. The list goes on and on. And, as many youth are finding out. First time loves can prove to be hazardous not only to our lives but to everyone around us. As substances grow, indulgences rising, the levels of toxicity cannot remain in the red zone forever. So remember as stated before. Take heed take warning.

Subject 2
Youth 20 yrs, Caucasian, male, did not graduate, deceased. Conducted through private talk interaction. High status private high school.

Scenario 1: Subject 2 was introduced to Marijuana at a young age, and his first alcoholic beverage by the age of 13. Spiraling through a co-dependent, adolescent relationship, things took off with illicit substances in Subject 2 by the age of 15.

Using Oxycontin and morphine, and a slight dive into smoking crack with peer groups using, abusing quickly became an individual task.

Stealing from friends and family the addiction to syringe injection of a speedball (heroin mixed with cocaine) takes place at the age of 16 years.

Scenario 2: Subject 2 has been through 2 inpatient rehabs and 4 intensive outpatient rehabilitation centers by the age of 18. After not graduating high school Subject 2 begins dealing drugs to supply steady income.

As a result he is sentenced to one year at Jackson, MI penitentiary and is disowned from his family and friends. Learning new ‘tricks of the trade’ in his stint in prison, Subject 2 is reformed for destruction, he is made a career criminal.

Subject 2 is immediately kicked out of the house he stayed at (his parents) and left on the streets to wither. Now, the last phase begins.

first love The Killer: First Love Love storyScenario 3: As Subject 2 begins petty thefts and breaking and entering to support his habit, he approaches his 20th birthday.

Living in between the streets and halfway homes, there is no stability in Subject 2 life. Mental health has been taking a role, along with many sleepless, cold nights. It's snowing in the middle of February and Subject 2 is ‘jonesing’ for a ‘fix.’

Now living with a paranoid schizophrenic mindset, from prolonged years of drug abuse, through key developmental stages, Subject 2 has a ‘break’ from reality. Committing arson, auto-theft, and murder on multiple victims, as well as a wealthy upstanding citizen near a local ATM machine; Subject 2 has now committed a three strike law violation.

On the run with a stolen vehicle Subject 2 engages in a standoff between police. Choosing the only way out he knew, Subject 2 takes death by cop, raising his gun at police to force them to finish job he started.

Breakdown: We see it again through this play out that Subject 2 (like Subject 1) progressed fast through addiction beginning at an early age. Starting with the ‘gateway’ drugs, leading into illicit substances and relationships.

Peer groups play a part in the using, and mapping, of Subject 2 socialization process. Graduating from peer use to individualized use, the disease of addiction progresses fast in Subject 2, having his first injection of drugs at the age of 16.

A self perpetuating cycle begins as failure comes time and time again. Subject 2 fails high school and fails at keeping off of substances. If this isn’t enough his emotional status is shot and family ties are severed and broken.

Through an already changing brain chemistry [from adolescents], Subject 2 begins to develop a schizoid disorder, among many physical and mental health ailments.

Finding no means to groom his addiction any further, rock bottom is the last and final stop for Subject 2. Jails, institutions, and death. Death.

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