Faking who you are is the worst type of people pleasing that there is. But changing who you really are, is one of the most common forms of self-hatred. Trust me! Even almost 8 years into my recovery, I know...
It's like when I would wake up and check my cell before I did anything else! I was so scared that the World was shitting on me because all of my work is done by a phone or computer.
I'd start off panicked and thinking the World would be ending and not be able to address any issue that was needing my true attention! Which were normally small and manageable, unless I started my day kicking my own ass; which was pretty hurtful.
So those who relied on me would get a delusional Brian who was set out to wreak havoc. I never let my brain or body kickstart itself with things like water, a proper shower, and would fuel myself with coffee--in high doses--that made me completely neurotic. Because if you don't know, coffee gives me instant panic attacks. Which I thought was how I'd stay productive. While instead was causing my blood pressure to rise, I wasn't eating food, began passing out, and my body was in constant pain...
Now imagine if I was telling you this story in active addiction, like many people are dealing with and using people, places, and substances to fit in! When all we are doing is leaving behind our mothers, fathers, children, and thousands of others we never knew that we really effected, and may never know if the situation leads to an overdose or never find awareness to get out of a cycle of kicking our own ass! When people love you for no reason other than YOU BEING YOU... the real one.
Now you may think this sounds dumb and pretty satire of a situation telling you how I am in recovery today. But for someone who never took care of himself this shit was never, ever, obvious to me!
While, today I start off with a full glass of water. I say I love you to my wife; who I value the most in this World for me! Simply her smile is enough proof that taking care of myself is love at first sight, over and over, every single time! And that is a wonderfully great form of selfishness that is not selfish at all!
Then I go and take an extended hot shower. And I never knew how good it felt to start off empty minded and warm bodied with some warm water! It's pretty metaphorical too. "Starting each day fresh."
I would then have only a half of a cup of green tea, and I make sure that I eat protein and fruit with my breakfast!
While finally moving on in a much more stable way, continuing my day to get all of what I need done in half of the amount of time, with twice the output!
My body doesn't hurt. I get full and normal sleep patterns; unlike when coffee would keep me up for days, just like when I was abusing drugs (no difference I guess?).
While at the end of the day, I am happy being the real me, for the people who love that person.
All of the worry I had actually become non apparent because it wasn't anything I needed to worry about, as much as I needed to just worry about taking care of myself so the situations that needed attention weren't fed by fear but fueled by nothing more than my realness.
I took care of life in a much more manageable, professional, ethical, respectful, and mindful manner; a lot quicker! Just by taking care of myself and giving those who deserve the real me, all of me. Instead of forcing myself into situations that were killing me mentally and physically; drugs or not.
Addiction is addiction, and people pleasing is one of the worst things I've ever had to overcome when breaking my own stigma. When in reality, if I'm happy with myself, who gives a fuck what other people think?
I should never have to buy happiness by changing myself and with any sacrifice to my mind, body, soul, or even pocket!
I am me, and that is plenty good enough!
My next blog will discuss exactly why we are NOT meant to fit in... or at least not fit in with certain areas.
Realize that we leave old faces, places, and things for a reason.
And whether or not others are happy, as long as we are happy with who we truly are, I'd rather fit in with myself and those who love all of me instead of living as someone who comes with conditions!
In my book, that's worse fake news than any Trump or CNN can ever have a heated twitter battle over!