Family recoveries have started to matter more and more to me as I discover my "why" in life. And as I discover my why in life, I also discover how to be better with who I am in representation to this community. Through finding myself I learned that my only way to give myself to the world fully is to be completely honest and transparent with myself and realize when someone calls me out on my bullshit, the only way to change them is by changing me!
"THEY WON'T CHANGE. SO I MUST"
All too often did I catch my father calling me a "fucking liar" or someone who didn't know how to tell the truth if it "hit him in the face." While speaking honestly today I was taking quite a beating, too! But only of my own doing, of course!
I was used to doing things my way. And up to this point my way didn't work if it ended in near death and a room full of paraphernalia! Heck, I was simply defying God's purpose for any sort of existence I had in this world. And someone was bound to say, "Brian! We are sick and tired of your freaking lies, deceit, and cheating! Son you're gonna die if you don't change..."
And then through all of those times I said I hated my father to his face. I wonder how and why he took it and tried to show me a better path. He's truly the man I wish to be and am grateful that he was a damn bullshit detector from hell! Thanks dad 🙏
My father would call me out on a lot of bullshit. But, to be completely honest, that's one of the best things that could've happen to me in my recovery. And to drive a point home, he had GPS locator on my phone and would call at times that I was out of his "zone of approval," or if he thought he could catch me in a lie, or even prevent a lie from happening.
I mean if you think flood text messages was annoying then try 50 missed calls and a voice app to text... Dad had it all and was determined to let me learn the lesson of life whether it was the hard way or not!
For those of you who wonder if it bothered me? You bet your ass it did! And that's exactly why it was perfect for me and worked to the tee!
Eventually it became so bothersome that I did something truly incredible. I surrendered to the situation. I said F it and found a way to make all of what I thought was his bullshit (but was mine), go away for good if I so intended! (And god willing another breath I've got over seven years in recovery since Christmas 2010 and I'm only 27--almost 28).
But why did I give in? While most of you cough profanities thinking I gave up! (Luckily I let go more than "give up")
I couldn't control my father. I couldn't make him stop trying to call me out on bullshit. But I could not handle the nagging anymore! So I did what made the most sense...
I gave my dad no reason to call me out on my bullshit anymore because there was no more bullshit to call me on. I mean yeah, if you wanna pick my life apart I'm sure you'd find some meager excuse to prove me wrong.
While at last, I told and still tell the truth as brutally as I can even if it hurts! Because the hurt I caused and had from lying was wayyyyy worse! #Truth wins
So in the grand scheme of things, it is very, very hard to be dishonest now a day! And heck I know damn well that if I was to lie today that there are way more consequences than my youth. And specifically, I made honesty work for my spiritual program; whatever pathway of recovery I chose.
So to bring it all together, my life was most miserable and unmanageable when I tried to control others with my self defeating patterns of living (or not) who were there to just help. And I didn't forcefully control them. In fact, I defied them until the truth came more natural no matter the cost. The price and return way outweighed each other and I became richer and richer in a better life every time I pushed for betterment; honestly.
So when something bad is happening and you're too afraid to look at yourself, look again and say, "I want them to get off my ass! But they won't change 🤔 So maybe it's time I did and surrendered more often!"