“Welcome to society!” father said, as I made my first house payment.
It’s not something I should be worrying about, and it’s something I’ve been planning for since I was a little kid! It’s all that I’ve ever wanted, but it’s one of the most stressful things that I’ve ever done.
Today I made my first house payment.
You think that I’d be running around and screaming “Yippee!” from the top of my lungs. But, I’m not. For some reason I think that my mania has set in. But my father tells me, “STOP LABELING YOURSELF BECAUSE SOCIETY TELLS YOU TOO!” He then proceeds to yell at me and say that I’m just prescribing to chains and shackles with name calling myself. But hey, I’m 26 with only six years clean, and in my first month of 360 payments… what do I know?
Today was a freaking whirlwind too. I’m recovering from a fender bender last night and I’ve been in a constant panic since.
Technically my morning started off great, but as it progressed, so did my mood. I made my first house payment and look at my bank account drain. The worst part about it is that I’m considered “well to-do” by American statistics…
First world problems right? Well, hell! My wife is from the Philippines and I’m just trying to give her the best life possible while she works her ass off for us, too. She is damn good at her job, too! She has had her bachelor’s degree for an entire year before me and is only 23 going on 24. Am I lucky? Or… lucky to have such a sweetheart!
The only problem with me is that I equate security, love, and most of all happiness with financial security. I’m a God-darn workaholic and I can’t control it when I love it so much. I’m helping so many people, but there’s another problem too…
My mentor tells me the other day that I’m forgetting to help myself, when I tell him that this (Substance For You) is helping myself. And it’s funny that everyone in my life tells me that I need to set boundaries, but I don’t. He referenced it something that NA (Narcotics Anonymous) does with a piece of paper… I had no clue! Something to do with living in the middle of four corners. Oh well, oh well!
I need to get my head out of my ass and stop equating money with happiness, and the thing is… I don’t try to and never had intentions of making money with what I do for any of this (Substance For You). What I’m really stuck in more is sacrificing my health in order to help other people until it kills my mind, body, and soul. Like I said, no boundaries!
So what am I to do?
I asked my mentor where I could meet sober friends because I do all of my work from home. He told me I should go to meetings. But the only problem is that it’s been over six years since my last one. I’m frankly ashamed to walk through those doors and sit at a table anymore. I even asked him if it would be okay to wear one of my clean and sober tees to the meeting and he said it would be… But keep the business outside the meeting! Like I’m dumb, right?
It would be hard to separate advocacy and just trying to pick up some sober friends. Heck, he has the nerve to tell me that if I go into meeting everyone I know as a businessman and not just a man then I’m already set up to lose… I guess he’s right.
I’m feeling rather stuck lately, but I also know that when I feel the most stuck is when I make the biggest changes in my life too. I may be dealing with an addiction to working and helping people, but the best part of me will come when I’ve found my way through this and conquered my fears with it.
As my brother who just called me, told me, “Tomorrow is a better day if you make it!” So I’ll live with that on my conscience instead of my past. And just for today, I will sleep with the intentions of waking up to another day of new possibilities and the nearing of greatness. I know I will find my way through this and I promise to quit sacrificing my health, but sometimes it doesn’t come that easy so as we say it:
“God, Grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference,
So maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and scream a “yippee” from the top of my lungs. Because today should be a good day. It wasn’t though. They say that some of the biggest stressors in life are moving and getting married and I’ve had that and more happen to me this year. I should feel accomplished but I feel deflated.
With all of that being said, I do have an idea on how to change my attitude… I will wake up and write another article on my first house payment. It will be called, “The House that Recovery Built!”
Why? You ask. Because, looking on the bright side of all of this, if I wasn’t clean, sober, and in recovery I’d still be living on the streets. So hey! My recovery helped my build this house, and helping other people is my soul mission with Substance For You, so the best way to title my redemption article, when my mood comes happier to me tomorrow is this:
“The House That Recovery Built!”
And trust me… you’ll hear all of the greatness recovery has to offer. But, just for today, I thank you for being a place for me to vent. Goodnight and Amen for those reading this… it does get better!
I’m Brian, the owner, a workaholic, addicted to helping people, love living clean and sober, and have a super rad house that recovery built! And on top of all of that, I’m simply another human trying to live the best he can…