I miss a lot of things every day of my life. It's so very exhausting! Like missing socializing.
But the ways that I socialized were killing me in the process.
I thought that if I accommodated what others felt was "cool" to fit in, I was cool too. But boy was I was wrong.
If I didn't get high, if I didn't bring drugs or do them, then I was the biggest outcast in what was supposed to be "my realm." And that isn't reality.
Those situations were just defeating any part of myself that allowed people who truly cared about what I was "really about." It took away all of the reasons to love the real me for the real reasons.
It took away the ways that I was meant to fulfill my biggest purpose in life.
And if I kept on sacrificing my mental, physical, and spiritual health to please others for ways that left me hating myself before and after the high--as I never remembered times during the high--then when I let false livelihood define me.
The end result would have been that the people I'd tried so freaking hard to give all of me to would be mourning the life I had.
My funeral would be filled with regret, grief, and suffering instead of continuing to relish and cherish the great reality that I know I deserve. And the love that those who depend on me deserve too.
Those who depend on me, my love, my life, and all of the true guidance a real "me" provides will have the most suffering, pain, and consequences from my [possible] death.
When I leave through accident or any unconditional term everything that I put into the World leaves only a memory of what I was, what I could've been, or what the happiness I deserve could have been by living.
While my pain may end through a temporarily high, or permanent silence from an overdose (death), the one's who knew me best, are deprived of the love and authentic greatness I could've given.
When my life ends, it ends the possibility of ever getting better.
I do NOT want to become silenced.
But when I'm gone there is no opportunity to ever get better. And as those who love me attend a funeral for a friend, family, or what they wish I could've been.
My absence into eternal silence leaves millions of cries that go into an unlimited legacy by pleasing the wrong people, going to the wrong places, and making the wrong faces smile.
I never want to live through alternatives. I never want to give an endless amount of sacrifice of myself or live on borrowed time, bought friends, fear, regret, or resentments.
Those consequences are so much more detrimental than producing a genuine smile with someone who doesn't expect it but flourishes as we grow together!
When the need is never bought my heart flutters and is in a spot that is open to give and receive love from the most genuine sources, and that is an ideal that makes life so much more meaningful.
And you know what?
I'm absolutely okay with that!
So, the question is...
What does love mean to you and what would you sacrifice for it?