It’s like an itch in the back of my throat that I just can reach, and if I were to put my fingers down my throat too far I’d vomit from a pure overdose of euphoric dissemblement. The feeling can’t be quenched by anything that anyone normal would find purposeful. Rather when I feel a craving come on I begin to find any reason to become sick or ill in efforts to get the “medicine” my body so deserves. I find a reason to feel bad, just so I can find a reason to feel better…
When I’m feeling bad because of a craving, it’s induced and you can see it all over my face, “FAKE.” Or at least you may think that the illness I’m portraying is fake because you don’t understand that when I want to satisfy that ever compelling, yet disturbing, hurt in my gut. What you don’t get that I’m in a completely self-centered mode. “I just want to feel better, and getting high feels good! I need it!”
"I JUST WANTED TO FEEL BETTER!"
At this point it’s not that I want it either. It’s that my body is telling me that I need something, that if was taken, I’d die or end up in handcuffs. But I don't look at it that way. I look at it as an urge for a purge; inner demons be gone.
For me, heroin always seemed to be something that was more than a craving, but at times, a necessity to life. Although, the very fact of heroin is that it’s robbing me of life. Oh, how the craving for something as devilish as a ten-dollar bag of dope is going to tear my life apart with one, little, drop. My body begins to ache as I think of the sweet, sweet relief; only followed by hell and torment. But the latter doesn't matter right now! I just need anything but this, and all that I've ever known is so close, but so wrong...
A craving heightens my senses to everything that could possibly trigger me, and that is around me at the time. And while it’s heightening the things that are a torment to the perpetual relapse, it’s as if everything else good around me is deafened to the point of invisibility. I'm focused on being ill, and locked in to the feeling that may come. In fact, I feel a little bit of a pre-high and rush by just having this craving. That pre-rush is the little tease that every craving comes with, but when I don’t have something to snap me back into reality it’s only bad things for cravings. That pre-high is literally the same chemicals in my mind running around rampant like as if I had done drugs, but on a smaller level. It's feeding the crave and I look like a lunatic, but, those neurotransmitters will fade fast if I don't feed them!
Cravings bring my external triggers into my head and it begins to be a thinking game, while my mind is playing tricks on me telling me that if one more wasn’t so bad than why wasn’t I doing it to solve all of my problems! But we know that's a load of shit! Although, we don’t know that when we are craving for an escape. And heck, my craving usually comes on when I’m in any sort of pain, whether it be physical or not…
For me the cravings are worse when my mental pain is worst. I feel worthless and my ego takes over, telling me that I’m no good, when all I really have is a Cadillac problem! Heck at least I do have a Cadillac right now… like a roof over my head, a wife that loves me, and my bills paid. My only Cadillac problem is the little things that I love to over escalate into a do-all or die moment. It must be that the world is ending for me to have to succumb to a craving or not, right? Well, no… that’s the point of it being a Cadillac problem.
Heck, I could be depressed and the craving would be even worse, but I know it’ll pass. Or I could be anxious and want to make the moments slip into a fading existence, but I’d probably overdose. Or when a friend hurts my feelings, I've got to realize that they really don’t mean it. And heck, if they do mean it, that’s none of my business and I have better friends and loved ones waiting for me… as long as I don’t give into the craving.
But, it’s sad that many cravings are a reason that many relapse because we feel that this craving is the end of everything for us, when it’s really not! The use and giving into that craving is something that will end us. But for many it’s too late, and I hope this may bring awareness to those around addicts who are craving to help them get out of that black and white thinking and realize that there is another way; a better way! And the message for the addict themselves is that if I’ve been through thousands of cravings in early recovery, to losing most feeling of any of them today at six and a half years clean and sober, then you know they will go away and you can and we do recover!
Bring the awareness that there is better, save lives, be the shining hope. Because now that you know the difference between all of this about a craving, you are now accountable to reduce them in those around you or yourself by taking constant action towards bettering ourselves each and every day. And that betterment starts now! Pass it along, spread the message, and show that there is hope beyond cravings. And this may be what one feels like, but heck, I feel so many other better things today! #WEDORECOVER #RECOVERYISPOSSIBLE