I was thirteen when I first met her. We were at the skating rink by the first house I lived in. It’s safe to say I’ve moved and moved on since then. But, for the time being I felt the mental abuse coming in clear as day, although the abuse did seem to fog me. I’m not sure how that worked, but it clearly didn’t…
We were love at first sight, or so I thought. I guess early in your life you don’t truly know what love is, besides mommy and daddy. But, still some don’t even have that. Life can be sad and depressing, but the torment is what I couldn’t take.
She was the picture perfect girlfriend for the first year and a half, besides the fact of her lustrous behavior. I lost my virginity at the age of 14 to her and I was immediately hooked. The fact of it was, that she was very promiscuous, but I was never the one to initiate until I became more than addicted to the feeling… I needed it.
This went on until I was about sixteen years old, and my addiction and codependency to her became quite apparent. My parents were getting concerned, but I was the first son of two, so I was the experimental child. Pshhh that’s to say the least. We were engaging at a young age and multiple times a day, but her new friend group started to worry me.
She started hanging out with girls who liked to party, which probably led to my low self-esteem issues, and my own life of partying at an early age leading to early alcoholism and addiction. My mental health state was in constant flux. I mean, the already changing brain chemistry mixing with sexual activities and drug abuse… I was a rollercoaster of emotions. It was safe to say she was the main attraction at this theme park of illicit deeds.
I started hanging out with friends who would listen to saddening music, it was quite apparent that Taking Back Sunday’s first album became my anthem! Cute without the “E” is what I was, I was cut on the inside. I was smoking on a daily basis to keep the stress at bay and was all too young for this deviant activity, but I was doing it nonetheless. I just couldn’t handle her emotions and what would come next would be even worse.
I got an in with people that went to my girlfriend’s school and we all played in bands. The music was the only thing that seemed to calm my emotions. I would bang away on the drums as my other banging activities came to a halt. I could tell there was something wrong with her. She wasn’t pulling away just mentally, but I could feel her physical grip loosening.
The mentality to have at such a young age, acting as if I was in a distant relationship with someone I couldn’t have but still called herself mine. Or did she?
The bandmates and I were all hanging out in well, an assortment of places and the conversation came up multiple times… “She’s been walking around school holding other guys hands…” or “She’s been kissing other dudes” or “She’s making out with her best friend” (Who was a girl…)
There were plenty of kickers to throw me for a loop, but this came off as a little bit of a shock, “Women too?”
I began to develop an anger issue when I was active in places like school or with friends, but I slowly started to seclude myself. I began to isolate and I know now that was the worst thing I could have done. I started to withdrawal from all of my daily activities and started losing weight by the lack of hunger. There was a lack of hunger for food and a lack of hunger for life due to the lack of love I felt from the one person I thought would never betray me. I thought we were childhood romances… I was wrong.
About the age of 16 she would start breaking up with me every couple of weeks to have flings, and I know you wouldn’t call this cheating… but what if her flings didn’t end and I was becoming the fling? She still said she loved me and I bought it because she looked sincere and would give into certain things for me to try and persuade me. All in all, it was just a mental and psychological game with her. She was using me for the things I did have and leaving me to rot with other things I could never ever have from her.
I began to binge drink at an early age to cope with the anxiety of which guy she was sleeping with next on which night. I didn’t want to believe she was sleeping with girls, too. She was.
I started to get rage attacks that wouldn’t come from anywhere I thought, but now if I look back on it clearly, anytime romance, love, or her name were mentioned I would damn near beat someone to death, even if it was someone in my own family. There was more than mental abuse at play here, I was physically becoming sick just from someone’s actions. I know you say “JUST?” well I thought I was stronger than that. The fact of it was, that sometimes some people can only be so strong.
I was put on medication at a young age and to couple this with my drinking and street drugging it became a problem. I would stay up days on end and go into manic modes where I would even start to hallucinate. I was mostly doing research on deviant behaviors (funny to see how I got mixed up in that with my degree from the University too!). The inequalities are what seemed to draw me to binges. I felt unequally treated in this world and it was because of her! It was because I started to date at too early of an age some would say… what do you say? Can some manage their emotions when a young love affair becomes too much for their teenage moods to handle? If you’re a parent what do you tell your child?
This stuck with me for years afterward. Me and this girlfriend of mine ended up dating for a whole 7 years on and off (coupled with her cheating constantly). I ended up breaking us up according to her when my mental depravity drove me to heroin abuse and I landed myself in an institution. Love isn’t deadly you say? Well, I can attest to a different side of it! She was my trigger, she was my relapse, she was my motivation to stick that needle in my arm and dull me from this God forbidden torment she had me live through. I couldn’t get away and that is what you 110% call codependency. Invisible illness my ass! I was hurt, I was bruised, tattered and scarred! You could see it written on my forehead… broken.
This created a sense of trust issues with any women in my life from this point forward (until I met the true love of my life…). I would constantly drive women away and became a class A heartbreaker. I would tell women I loved them early on and told them I was never to break up with them, and I had always been broken up with first. The truth of it all came out about five girls later (well, five days later) when I’d broken up with more girls than I’d dated previous to that. I was set out for an evil malicious revenge and it was all a demonic plan from my tormented mind. All I saw was her… all I saw was her! It felt like everyone I tried to trust was her and I ran at the first site of blood, well maybe a couple of thrusts after it!
Mental abuse in childhood can be dangerous as it leads to pathways in our life that we never thought we would become or would want to become. But, I can skip forward to the age of 24 and shine some light and give a little hope that it does get better.
I was 24 and I had been clean off of drugs and alcohol for 4 years but was still battling mental illness and only about 2 years’ institution free. I was not in a good spot in my life as I was just getting over blood clots and the physical ailments I was still suffering were going on because the mental illness. It was all real to me and no one else could see it. But maybe this was the best type of romance I could have found at this point. My emotional pain was harsh, but I’ve always been good with writing words, so I tried an online dating website (no not all sickos go on there… even though at this point you may think I was one! You’re wrong break the stigma!).
I actually joined an international dating website and to my surprise and probably hers, it worked. I met a sweet little 21-year-old girl from the Philippines, and no it wasn’t like your 90-day bride bullshit! We tried tacking it slow, too. Well, I took it as slow as I could, only at 6 months into our relationship to fly on a 28-hour flight(s) (terminal to terminal) and meet her entire family. The culture was way different, and it was truly what you call love. I was embraced with open arms and they took my past and threw it out the window. The breadwinner of the family comes up to me after a big meal he just paid for and said, “You know what? I know you’re a good guy. You’re okay for my sister.” And with that to come from the breadwinner of the family was a big deal in their culture!
Our love didn’t come easy, though. Not only were there cultural misunderstandings in the beginning because of a language barrier and dialectal barrier, but we were both previously heart broken. But, we never gave up on each other. We both claim to this day that we knew it from the moment we met (that we would get married). That was true, well is becoming true. On that trip, we got engaged and I went back for my whole summer break from the University I attend to live-in with her at a condo for a whole month, where I officially proposed and gave her a ring. That was this past summer, and we’ve now been together for 14+ months and will be officially married on December 18th, 2015 after going through a five month (Hell like) visa process. But, if anything I can show you through this article is two things:
1) If at first you don’t succeed, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try again!
2) Love is definitely worth the pain and anguish. Love is worth the fight!
It gets better, trust me, my friends. I never thought I’d be in this position, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in, and my emotional state is A-Okay. I won’t say I don’t completely have a slip-up and get angry or depressed sometimes, but so are the woes of life right? I haven’t been hospitalized or needed to see a doctor since I met her, and love can save you in the end if you don’t let it defeat you in the beginning, my friends… it’s totally worth it!!!!!
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