Guest Blog by Jordyn Dalton— Abuse within relationships used to be something that was so foreign to me. I used to hear stories about women getting abused emotionally, physically, and sexually and I would feel sad for that person, but when it came down to it, I was too far removed from their pain to really care. It wasn’t until I became the victim myself that I realized how truly traumatic it is to love someone who hurts you intentionally. It wasn’t until I got stuck in the cycle of abuse that I understood why some girls never leave. It took my pain to finally feel that empathy that was missing from my understanding so long ago.
My story started like many others probably do, a whirlwind love affair. Speeding down the path to craziness so fast I didn’t know what hit me. Our relationship was a fiery one from the beginning, with too much anger and emotion rolled into a dangerous combination that somehow equated what I thought at the time was love. I’ll admit it, I fell for the bad boy. And once I did, I kissed part of my good girl image goodbye forever.
In the beginning, things were normal. We were like every other couple. Well, pretty much anyway. We went on dates, we spent time together, we had fun. But it wasn’t long until things started to get crazy.
At first, it was just the arguments, both of use fired into a rage so uncontrollable that venom was spewed from both of our mouths. But then suddenly the venom was being spewed at me more and more frequently and for less and less of a ‘valid’ reason. It wasn’t long until almost every day was filled with some sort of put down, mind game, or earth shattering remark that felt like a stabbing into my soul. His words turned my soul black and blue, and no matter how hard I cried, there never seemed to be enough remorse for what was done and said. Soon enough, it wasn’t just my soul that was black and blue, but my body was too. Some days I thank my lucky stars for the painkillers I was so horribly hooked on because I don’t know if I could have dealt with the pain sober. Had I not been completely numb, I’m sure the things like being dragged by my hair or being choked, slapped and pushed around would have hurt me a lot more.
Before him, I had never seen drugs before. Sure, I had smelt the odd toke of weed here and there but never had I saw any sort of drugs up close and personal, let alone anything hard. I didn’t even drink, for god’s sake. So when I saw those beautiful pills, rattling around in a bottle like a magical morocca, I knew then and there that I was in trouble. Serious trouble. To make a long story short, I will skip the sordid tales of my addiction. But sometimes I often wonder if the drugs never played a part in my relationship, would I have put up with any of it? I like to think that I wouldn’t have, but I honestly will never know.
The best thing that ever happened to me was him finally calling it quits. It hurt me so much, at first, to lose what I thought was someone I loved, but when I eventually sobered up and got my life together I realized that true love doesn’t hurt you the way I had been hurt. And a real man doesn’t lay any sort of abuse on his woman, whether it’s physical, emotional or sexual. A real man loves his woman like she is a treasure to be protected and cared for. It took me a long time to realize that I was worth more than what I had gotten in that toxic relationship, but I finally did and I couldn’t be happier for it.
Once I spent more than 18 months single and completely to myself and after going through trauma therapy at rehab, I slowly started to love myself for who I was. I realized I deserve to be treated like a queen. And once I finally opened myself up to self-love, love from another fell right into place. Finally caring for myself, I allowed someone else to care for me too.
Had I not been through what I went through with my ex, I would have never learned to love, respect, and cherish myself like I do today. And I wouldn’t have met my wonderful, caring, kind, loving, smart and most importantly, loyal boyfriend. For the first time in my life, I am in a healthy relationship that doesn’t center around one person using or abusing the other. I am finally treated as the precious being that I am.
For the first time in my life, I know what love really is. Love isn’t pain, heartbreak, hurt, bruises or abuse. Love is treasuring one another as we both grow to be the best people we can be. Love is loving ourselves enough to love each other deeply. I am for once truly happy and loved and cared for. I thank my journey every day for bringing me to my soul mate exactly when I needed him.
For many years, broken was my middle name. I wore my heart on my sleeve and got hurt in the process. But the thing is, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world because I found my world in someone else. Through the pain and the trauma, the heartbreak and the addiction I found my true soul mate. I found the one for me when I was broken and together we picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and placed them back together piece by piece. Making each part of my heart a little bit stronger than before.
Owner note: This heartfelt, true story is by a long time contributor on mental health and eating disorders, Jordyn D. As she dives a little bit further into her story, she brings us strength and hope from previous abuse within relationships, that had led her to using drugs and to become addicted to a manic love and substances throughout. But now Jordyn has found love and has learned to cherish herself as much as someone who truly cares for her does cheers her too. We are so proud of Jordyn and will encourage you to share your guest post on our blog to prove that it does get better once you’re living clean, healthy, and in recovery! Be that strong person we know you are.
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