I’m sorry for neglecting you in my most selfish of times. I feel as if we didn’t start off on the right foot. Our thoughts tend to be of differing opinions… My mind often says, “GO, GO, GO” which can lead to negative things in my life. But, you… serenity, you are always trying to balance me. Sometimes, because of my addictive personality, I get really angry with that. This is why I tend to disregard you.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m out of my mind… there I go stigmatizing myself again. Sigh.
The fights between you and I always begin with a selfish motive from within me. The anger always builds when something doesn’t fit my needs or wants (mostly wants). I start to feel as if the world is caving in on me when I don’t get what I want. That’s usually because I’m pushing too hard. In hindsight, I know it’s the addict in me but you could see it all along. It’s funny how that works.
You never tell me… “Hey, Brian you’re fucking up!” Instead, you make the slightest suggestion and WHAM my mood is off to the races. Even five years in recovery, I lose my mind when things don’t go my way at times. For that, I am sorry. I do wonder what would happen if you did tell me that I was screwing up. How hard-headed would I react then?
I know, I know, I don’t give you enough credit for the patience you have. But, I try to give you a lot of credit. The hardest part for me is to not take the credit for you. There is plenty of room for improvement in my own sanctity; I can see that now. But, only after reflection and time in my own head am I able to send a firm redirection to you. “I’m sorry.”
My anger comes and goes, but I can never tell when I’m truly going to be set off. It just sort-of happens. That’s because I need instant gratification – I have impulse control issues. You’ve noticed. Since the day we met, you always told me to “take it one step/day/moment at a time.” I’ve always tried to be thousands of steps ahead of everyone else and look where that got me… I ended up tens of thousands of steps behind everyone. I had to get a grip on reality and take thousands of steps forward to reach recovery.
With treating myself as my own higher power, I lose focus of the real things in life. I become greedy, I grow angry, I am misunderstood and cause plenty of misunderstanding. I lose focus of how much you, my serenity, can do for me.
I just need to vent. It’s sad when I don’t realize that you are there no matter what. I need reassurance and I feel like I pressure myself into asking, “Serenity, do you still love me?”
I can’t express my gratitude for the things you’ve taught me. You have given me the way of life that is true for positive expressions. You have taught me how to take care of my health mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Together we are one, as synonymous as two peas in a pod. You are me and I am you. You make me the best version of myself, Serenity.
Of course, you still love me! Serenity, I know you’ll never turn your back on me. “Brian, do the right thing, stay clean, and be happy.” These are simple rules to abide by, but even at that, they are not rules. Serenity, I swear I won’t ruin it anymore by becoming greedy, becoming mad or becoming depressed. I know that if I do, it’s just a relapse waiting to happen. A relapse into my old ways of thinking and losing you all together. I won’t let you down!
I may not be the greatest man in the world but, with you I am the greatest man I can be. For that, I have to show how eternally grateful I am… that’s a part of this whole thing right? A better way of life with a better way of appreciating it. Without you I would have never made it.
Because of you, I know that I’m not a bad person.
You are forever in my heart. I love you my dear, sweet Serenity. I’m apologize for the bad times but am so grateful for the good. Although I may have times where I want to make myself retract from a positive mindset, we have come too far for me to leave you now.
Serenity, I don’t know how many times I’ve said I love you but I know that I’ve said it a lot. Saying those words will never be enough. I need to show you my dedication and give you my true admiration. I want to surrender to you.
You guide me to a better place by granting me one thing, one step at a time. You direct me to a place that I can call my own. You are home.
I will stop apologizing because I will no longer disobey the truth you bring. There is only one special thing I can do for you and me and it’s to say this:
“Thank you for being with me. I love you my sweet, darling Serenity.”
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