I’ve been asked questions if this site is more than just drug addiction, and then I branched out into eating disorder articles. Then, I was asked the question again and I start to cover more aspects of mental health to help those in early recovery. Now, I go for a completely new and vibrant stem off. There are many other addictions than drugs and alcohol. This next article is living, breathing proof of that. Meet Bobby. This is a tale of being a sexaholic:
“My name is Bob and I am a sexaholic , alcoholic, and an addict. What does this mean? It means that once I start certain things I cannot stop them. I have drug and alcohol sobriety date of April 19th 2010. My sexual sobriety date is November 15th 2014. What lead me to conclude that I am a sexaholic? I looked at pornography habitually and had affairs with women outside of my marriage and committed relationships.
Here is a bit of background. I wasn’t abused sexually but was raised by my mother who was dealing with her own mental instabilities. What I found growing up was that I had a ton of time on my hands and I was extremely angry. Things like pornographic magazines and playing with myself often soothed me from this immense loneliness that I had. I wondered why dad was so busy or too busy to spend basic time with me. I couldn’t do anything right and my parents behavior told me so.
Flash-forward to middle school where I found sex and I loved it immediately. I was having sex at 13. The first girl I used for sex and refused to talk to her after we did it a few times. Right out of the gate I was taking what I wanted and pushing away anything not sexual. This pattern continued with many women. Many who were good enough to sleep with but not date. When I liked a girl enough to date I would have side women and cheat, cheat, & cheat. I always looked at porn and masturbated habitually.
Flash forward to my marriage. I had been married for about 5 years before I started having relations with a coworker. I had always flirted with coworkers and women in general but never taken it further than that. I fantasized about this often enough. Over time I pushed and pushed until I had an acting out partner that I also worked with. We escalated from casual messing around to engaging in group sex with other couples through the internet. I also had messed around with other coworkers concurrently. I really couldn’t get enough. I was always browsing the Internet for my next score and trying solicit other married women to have flings with. This whole time I was sober from drugs and alcohol and even worked the 12 steps to “completion.”
After five years of acting out I was finally caught. I wasn’t done however. I stayed on at my then employer and tried looking for a new job. I wasn’t kicked out of my home yet. I was attending a twelve-step group for people with lust addictions. After six weeks I couldn’t resist the urge and acted out again with the same coworker. This behavior continued for six months until I was caught again. It was a horrific night that affected my wife, children, and family. My wife threw me out, I resigned my job, and I was willing to attend professional help.
What I can say is nobody will ever change his or her addictive behavior unless the pain exceeds the benefit. This is what many term “a bottom.” I had hit mine. I attended as many meetings as possible in the first 90 days of recovery. I went to AA and 12 steps for those with lust addictions. I volunteered, I made coffee, I sponsored guys in AA. I basically knew I had to fix this urge to pacify myself sexually. Service over self was my mantra.
I also needed to work so I did the ride share driver thing for a while. This was crazy because women threw themselves at me. My recovery friends thought my job was poison but it was what I need to say no against: women pushing me for lustful adventure. I was tempted and managed to kiss one passenger but overall I passed on 99% of the offers. It was progress for me.
I also threw myself into fitness. I worked out 6 days a week, often times twice a day. I started practicing hot Yoga. The yoga piece is interesting because it could be a place of lust but the reality is it allows me to release those urges and focus on my spirit. I am grateful for this practice and allowing me to be around women and release them to be people and fellow practitioners.
Eventually I found a real job and since the workplace was my playground I have been scared shitless. What I have found is that the thrill of being chased or chasing cannot be a part of my life. I have always been popular with women wherever I go and this is no different but what is different is my intent. I no longer intended to objectify and eventually sleep with any woman not my wife. It also helps that I don’t extend myself to my female coworkers and joke about being a “work spouse”
Now the Misses has gone through the gauntlet but she has been working her side of the street as they say. I am very proud of her for finding like-minded women to recover with and get some perspective and support. She’s a great woman and I don’t deserve her but I am giving her my best these days. Some days are definitely harder than others and she often times gives me the grief I deserve for my actions but I try to not react and listen and let her know we will work through this.
“I can’t recover but together we can.”
That is my motto for these 10 months of sexual sobriety. What this means is I need to connect and stay connected to other men in recovery. My brain likes to forget the pain and the suffering my bad choices created so remembering in the rooms of recovery keeps me focused on recovery. I have plenty of men I can call on a moments notice should I need them and vice versa. It’s a good feeling being transparent with people. You don’t realize the dreadful toxic energy of secrets and what it does to your soul. The only cure for that agitation was sex, drugs, or booze. I am glad I don’t have to live that way anymore just for today.
The other big secret of success is acceptance. I could go on forever on this topic but it saves me tremendous energy and time if I accept people, places, and things for who and what they are. I rely on the universe to take care of the details. I just show up and make the next right decision and it all seems to work out in a positive way. Also working the 10th step and a min 4 and 5 helps too if needed.
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