I never considered myself to be much of control freak until my life spiraled out of control. By nature, I am not domineering, and when it comes to being in charge: I could take it or leave it. While I could not care less if I am in charge, I do like being in control, especially of my environment and emotions.
I had a long time love affair with Crystal Meth. I did love her. I loved her more than anything I had ever loved before, but it was a love/hate relationship. I loved what she did for me. I hated that I could not control her. I loved her smell and the way she took my breath away after a shot. She would rarely let me sleep. I am not sure if I loved or hated this about her. I loved that she numbed my feelings and emotions, but I hated that she made me so irresponsible. I loved that when I was with her, I had the ability to focus on a project for hours on end. I hated that I stayed exhausted when she wasn’t around. I also loved her ability to take my appetite. I was rail-thin when I was with her. There were a lot of days Crystal compelled me to call in sick to work. Eventually, I would stop going to work altogether. I blamed her. Only a portion of Crystal’s attraction was her rush. She also gave me the ability feel in control of my surroundings. With her, I was alert and my mind was sharp. I could drive, go to work, shop, and socialize. Early in our relationship, she made me quite a social butterfly. Crystal was not something my coworkers could smell on my breath. A lady like her would not cause me to slur my words or stumble when I walked. In fact, I went through multiple police roadblocks and license checkpoints without being suspected of being under her influence.
It took me a few years to realize Crystal was controlling me, and I was not controlling her. In the beginning, I could put her away for a few days or even a week at a time. I went through a period of time when we only saw each other on the weekends. My friends and I reserved getting high and staying awake for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We’d save a little stash to get through work on Monday and go to bed Monday night. Sounds logical, right? I was only staying up for three days as opposed to the 5+ days I had been accustomed to. Of course, birthdays and other special occasions were permission to use her, no matter the day of the week. Thursdays routinely became a part of the weekend. In time, there was no reserves or need for special occasions. The only prerequisite I needed for seeing Crystal again was a day that ended in “Y”. Yep, I was in control.
I invited several of Crystal’s friends into my life along with her. I fell in love with Percy (Percocet), Lora
(Lortab), and Xenia (Xanax) too. When Crystal wasn’t there for me, her friends were. I controlled them a little better than I controlled Crystal. Crystal always got the biggest part of my heart. She was an attention hog, such a selfish girl.
Crystal and I also had a give/take relationship. The more I gave, she kept taking. She took my self-worth, morals, and sanity, but she wouldn’t tell me I was an addict. I am pretty sure my losses signaled addict to everyone that knew me before Crystal took control of me. All of the confidence and self-esteem she gave me… She took them back. She took my smile and gave me tears. She took my peace and gave me paranoia. She took my joy and gave me spiritual poverty. I couldn’t understand why she would do this to me after all I’d given her! I had given her days, months, and years of my life. I gave up my children for her! I believe she would have eventually taken my life. In a sense, I guess she did. All she ever gave me in return was pain and bondage. I tried to walk away from her so many times, but she had something special about her that would always keep me running back. She knew I’d come back to her. She waited patiently for me time and time again.
One night, Crystal had me so spun out, she convinced me everyone in the house was plotting something against me, possibly plotting to kill me. I had enough wits about me not to let on to anyone inside the house know what was going through my mind. The side of me, apart from Crystal, knew what I was thinking did not make any sense. At the same time, the Crystal side of me went into a total fight-or-flight mode. Crystal took control of my thoughts, reasoning skills, and logic. Crystal ruled my emotions and inhibited my decision-making abilities. I got up and walked down the road a block or two and called 911 at 2 in the morning. My phone did not have any service, but I knew 911 could be called with or without phone service. I did not know the address of my exact location, but I wanted the dispatcher to send the police to pick me up. Crystal had me convinced my phone was tapped and tracked by the police, you can imagine the frustration and despair that followed when the dispatcher could not send an officer out to my location. I kept begging the dispatcher to run the tracking device on my phone. Since the phone was not in service, it was not bouncing off any local cell phone towers. Still I was certain the police could find me via GPS. I am not sure how long I rambled on distressed and crying to the 911 dispatcher. Eventually, I hung up on the dispatcher and walked back into the house. Crystal made such a fool out of me. I hated her for this. Unfortunately, this was not the only time I called the police on Crystal.
In April of 2014, I got so tired of Crystal. I was fed up with her. I walked to a gas station and called my dad to get me in the middle of the night. He took me home with him. I laid on the couch in the den for seven days trying to get Crystal and her friends Percy, Lora, and Xenia to leave my body. I detested them all for bringing me to this dope-sick hell. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Seemingly unending waves of nausea continued to wash over me. I was grinding my teeth and clenching my jaws and fists from the intensity of what my body was going through. Crystal and her friends left my body, but they would not leave my mind. After all of that, I climbed the fence in the backyard at my parent’s house and walked fourteen miles to find my love. Crystal convinced me once again to come back to her. She told me things would be different this time. I believed her. She was such liar and a control freak. I hated her for this too.
In June of 2014, I decided to end things with Crystal once and for all. Crystal will always remain a part of my story. She made me what I am today. Without her, I would not be the passionate, gentle soul I am becoming. Because of her, I hold my children a little closer now and cherish the little things. She taught me many valuable lessons and introduced me to some interesting people and experiences. I know that I could love her again, but I’m not willing to take another chance on her. She doesn’t control me anymore. Crystal drove me to fully surrendering my will and my life to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, and as crazy as it sounds, I thank her for that.
My name is Candace, and I am a recovered addict since 6.17.14.
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