The Substance For You Saga Pt. 16
For part 15 go here- http://substanceforyou.com/substance-for-you-saga-pt-15/
Clean But Anorexic
I got accepted to a school right in the Central area of Michigan. I was smack dab in the middle of what Michigander’s call the mitten. Before I left for the University I wanted to get super sexy! I mean who wouldn’t? There were 29,000 students with 56% female population! I was trying to move on up to the big times, but was sober and not so in shape yet. I had to do something about my weight, and yet I still hadn’t learned moderation. I egged my mom and begged her to get me the P90X series, complete with a diet plan and measuring tape for my waist.
I started exercising and the main man Tony Horton said that we should take this program with caution, although he was a go getter himself! I started off not being able to move from my knees, and feeling exhausted fifteen minutes in. And I realized that something had to change because I was too big to do a single push up at 320 pounds. I couldn’t take supplements because I felt like it was relapsing so I did what I knew how and TRIED to start eating healthy.
I started counting my calories, bringing them down to about 1300 a day in the beginning. The fact of it was that I was burning about 1,000 with the P90X as it was, so I’d eat an extra apple a day for sugar. But, the damn migraines… I couldn’t tell what they were from, to boot the dry heaving from bile backed up from my liver due to dehydration was fun.
The only true part of it was that I was burning weight and fast! I had started to lower my calorie intake even more since I saw more success, and what I should have seen was a completely new addiction to exercise and diet. Every day I would look at the tape measurer around my waist and see another ¼ inch gone and lower the calorie intake, now to doubling the P90X workouts and weight I was using. I looked good on the outside but organs like my liver were hurting and my vitamin deficiency was starting to take its toll. But, I didn’t have too much time to waste, the University was coming and my mom was all too excited that I was doing well… “Finally” she thought!
Upon moving out I had lost 80 pounds and gone down from 320 pounds to 240 pounds in just a matter of one P90X cycle (3 months). I felt good with my attitude and demeanor and I looked good, but my
troubles weren’t over yet. I had to learn a few more lessons, and not just school based ones. The pain from the vitamin deficiency caused to me gain chronic cluster migraines and affected the Billirubin in my liver, not to mention causing severe blood thinning and dizzy spells. My mood was that of an alpha male, though, because I looked like one at this point getting fit and muscular at six foot four inches tall. The exterior motivation was more than paying off, but I had turned from drug addiction to anorexic in a matter of one year.
I moved to the college campus and decided to stay in the dorms my first year to make friends… I mean who wouldn’t want to make “normie/mogul” friends in recovery? I know “we” all crave that ideal of being “normal.” But, it was really hard because I started dieting and counting calories even more in the dorms. I started eating smaller and smaller portions of meals, and pretty soon I stopped eating meals all together while doing the Insanity program where you burn upwards of 2400 calories in one workout. I thought if I lost 80 pounds on P90X then fasting and Insanity would be worth it? I remember lying on the floor incapacitated near the end of a workout with sweating out ten pounds of water and weighing myself before and after workouts, and showers. I ended up getting my weight down to a little bit under 200 pounds at six
feet four inches tall.
I was feeling the repercussions of my anorexia, too. Although I kept great grades, my mental health issues started to arise again because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I started to develop fear and panic, paranoia and impaired judgment from the lack of proper care to my body, again. It’s funny how you think you can be doing the right thing and then poof, it all backfires. No one ever told me the guidelines to dieting. Hell, my college friends, and women, thought I looked great! Weren’t we all there because we were educated, and the one thing failing my body and spirits was right in front of my face: “Clean and sober, but completely Anorexic!”
I started eating a maximum of 600 calories a day. Nearing the end of the semester my go to food would be a scoop of peanut butter, an apple, or even a can of tuna. All foods that were low in calories, sugar, and carbs I would even minimize their consumption, while I was burning upwards of 2,000+ calories a day with the Insanity work out. Insanity was the hardest workout on the market being extremely high interval training. My muscles started to deteriorate and my bones became weak, although I should have been strong if I could have just kept a clean diet with my workouts. My parents weren’t here to stop me or guide me this time and I was left to fuck it up all on my own again this time, but in a different sort of
I would tremble as I walked, although I looked healthy most said. As the praise kept coming and coming, and coming in about my looks the more I fasted, unaware that I was a complete anorexic. I would limit water intake because I felt that it would cause me to hold too water weight, which was the opposite of the actual science behind it all. Without water I had chronic migraines and sleep issues causing insomnia. Without the water my liver started to fail and my intestines started to cause all sorts of bathroom problems. I was becoming unraveled but no one could see it. Damn this wretched invisible illness, it started to take me, but hey… at least I was clean and sober, right?
All of this chronic pain from the horrible anorexia I put myself through to look good for the college girls induced an even more serious condition. I was nearing death for real this time, and my life had become unmanageable even though I was still clean. The anorexia had taken it’s toll and I was put into treatment and care, but not before one last incident at the University to push it ALL over the edge…
For part 17 of the saga continue to read on here- http://substanceforyou.com/substance-for-you-saga-pt-17/
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