The truth is, I’m not angry. I’m scared of myself! –
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The truth is, I’m not angry. I’m scared of myself!

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I walked into the house and I was angry, I was completely and utterly infuriated! I couldn’t hold back my temper; not at all. I started screaming and yelling at anyone that was there to hear it and I don’t know why? I felt like I was having a blackout moment but I was completely clean and sober. Here we go again, another huge reservation of mine.

I’ve always had issues with anger in my life, especially in my addiction. But somehow I just couldn’t shake it when I got clean. I just couldn’t do it. Or was I unwilling to do it? I just don’t understand why I need to feel so big and tough. On the opposing end, I am honestly, really big and tough. Which means I don’t have to do much to scare people. Especially the people I love the most in my life.

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But, you may ask, “Why don’t you just not get mad?” And the answer isn’t as simple as that. But, in truth I have gotten better with it. It’s not a process of just getting un-mad, it’s a process of resolving an entire day’s worth of pent up anger, which brings me right back to my addiction. It’s getting rid of all the hatred I’ve had towards myself, that’s built from the inside out.

I begin feeling the past creep up on me, and right when I’m about to burst at someone, something, somehow… I turn to tears. The little boy inside of me comes out. After five minutes of yelling, I’m then on the floor, screaming, yelling, and begging for mercy. I’m nothing but a scared little boy while the tears stream from my face, “I hate myself! Someone help me!” 

I may look like a big and bad villain on the outside. I have a huge beard, big muscles, I’m super tall, and my voice is extremely deep. This would scare anyone under 6’4’’, especially of the opposite sex. Why wouldn’t you be scared of me? Can’t you hear the self-hatred shining through my writing by now? Can’t you feel it?! 

I swear to you, that even though I am angry, I’m not at all…

I’m fearing myself, what I’ll do, for my family, for my life, for my recovery. Something needs to change, and it’s not as easy as flipping a switch, but you should know that, too, or else you wouldn’t be reading this to find answers as well! My innermost self is screaming for a reprieve when I get into actions like this. Or we can call them misactions? At this point I’m not sure it really matters. All that matters are what helps me feel more like a moralistic human being, rather than a pigged out savage…

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To find reprieve and gain a sense of self confidence back I have some things in place that help. Part of my healing plan is going to the gym. Although you may say, “That doesn’t help the big and badass part of you, right?” Well what I feel after the workout could help my testosterone, therefore helping my depressive thoughts. Here we go again though right? “Testosterone? Couldn’t that make you angrier?” I’ll have to answer with no, a person like me actually isn’t getting enough of the endorphins I naturally need. In all actuality, the only times I can slow my mind enough to take a nap (at that) is after hitting the weights at the gym! Plus, my wife loves it too!

Another thing I do is write. As you can tell I’ve gotten a blog full of material that is me “working it out.” If you don’t somewhere, somehow, keep a blog or even just a word document filled with your thoughts, you should get one! Why do I do this? Well, first it helps me, it helps you, it helps the people around me. But, what it really helps is my memory… If I’m starting to burst out and have another episode, I can just pull up something I’ve written from the past and say, “Been there. Done that,” in order to stop me from making any further reserved mistakes! That’s the point of heeding your own reservations! Why else do some “groups” write out 100 page fourth steps? Hehe!

All I know is that we all have our own ways to healing, whether it be hitting the gym and then putting your thoughts straight down to a piece of paper. Or maybe you could go take photographs and meditate on your spirituality. Whatever you have, whatever you do, whatever helps your reservations from arising and beating you down into a corner, making you scared and tormented from the inside… do it, if it’s healthy!

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I’ve made remarkable strides in my health after I had started working out and my physique is looking even greater than my mood! I’m hitting the gym regularly, I’ve got a great blog feed of stuff that helps me, helps you, and helps my loved ones, and you know what? My reservations are simply, non-apparent! I’ll go to the gym for reflection, I’ll grunt out some reps and let my anger go, and I’ll feel the scared little boy turn into a lovable Hulk of a Teddy Bear! What next? Then I’ll come home, kiss my wife instead of look at a myself in the mirror with a snarl and say, “I love you!” She’ll say she loves me too, go on Instagram, and rub my arm to soothe my thoughts while I work on getting them out into my blog. 

Like I said, it isn’t just stopping the anger, it’s a process! As is recovery. This is a journey not a destination and don’t you ever forget it!

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