My anxiety is going crazy and I don’t know why! I’m in a moment of peril but my body looks completely calm on the outside. On the inside though? I’m a wreck! My stomach is in knots and my throat is parched. Maybe I am just dehydrated?
I couldn’t just be dehydrated, right? I’ve been drinking excess water lately and it’s not helping today!
I feel like I’ve relapsed and I’ve got something to be guilty about, but I haven’t. Could it be something from the past coming back to haunt me? What is it! The only thing different I did today was drink a low caffeinated hot tea; by mistake!
I’m usually, definitely, 100% sober… including caffeine. But the thing is that in my mother’s cupboard, it’s all just, just, such a mess! I’m so agitated, I thought I grabbed the 100% herbal tea, but she mixes the bags up and I can’t figure out what to do with myself now. I grabbed the wrong one and I'm going nuts!
It’s been a constant barrage of bad thoughts, my body hurting, and my stomach turning all day because I’m hypersensitive to caffeine!
My mental health goes out the window when I drink anything with caffeine and I've done my best to give it up when I got sober. This is almost like being all vegan or not vegan. Can you understand that better? This is my life! And I can’t control my emotions when there is any sort of substance involved. Even caffeine!
Before I used to use caffeine to stay up on my downers and when my mood would be out of what I couldn't tell. But now that I'm clean, now that I'm sober, caffeine is the biggest catalyst to 1) Dehydrating my mind 2) Which causes me to panic non-stop 3) Making me look mentally ill! (Tips on Dealing with Anxiety--Better Help)
When caffeine gets in my system, I can’t help but feel a whole body hurt. Mind, physical and spiritual. I get suicidal and resort to a manic state of mind. I start screaming and yelling, but usually it’s a lot of sitting still until I burst into that lash out phase. The point of it where I'm sitting still is the worst though because you're lost and don't know what to do! It's almost like my schizoid tendencies have come back and that was honestly the worst part of my life! "Being fully aware to an unaware sense of actions." I feel like my mind is fogged and my body is tight, it’s so hard to function!
Sometimes I'll get caffeine by accident or something with a blood flow inhibitor because just about any drink out there (non-alcoholic) has some sort of “something” bad in it!
Most swear by coffee to get through the day, but if I were to have coffee it might just be the end of me! There isn’t a moment that goes by that I wish this would end, but when it comes time for bed I cannot get to sleep until late in the AM, which is so very close to 5 am when my father wakes up for work!
“What are you doing?” he yells, as I’m pacing around the house going out of my mind. I contemplate and ask myself if this mania induced situation been going on for nearly 24 hours? “Yes!” I scream back at him while trying to stuff my face with comfort food in efforts to calm me down, but instead inducing nervous dry-heaving, right before going back to sweating through my bed!
Some of us aren’t adept to caffeine, and if just because your friends are “doing it,” it doesn’t make it okay for everyone to do. Those who have had past substance abuse issues or current mental health issues may be seriously vulnerable to and incapacitated by hyper-manic episodes induced by a sensitivity to caffeine, or other symptomatic chemicals!
It’s like I feel that I’ve relapsed, have been sent into hours long moments of panic disorder like I had when I first stopped using heroin and alcohol, and then my body begins to shut down while my brain is dissolution to anything around me or even slowed me on how to think… properly! Caffeine gets the worst of me, and most people would call me “crazy,” but isn’t this the bitch of trying to end a stigma when it comes down to the simplest things like coffee or even a LOW caffeine tea you’re deceived into using, instead of your daily herbal remedy tea for healing and clarity. AH the irony!
You could say I’m different, but to the general public saying that I’m allergic to coffee would deem me “crazy,” because 90% of the world relies on coffee to survive their daily routines. But me? It ruins my daily routine, and ruined me, and my recovery!
Just for today I will be better than this stigma and finally feel okay to speak out on it!
“I CANNOT DRINK CAFFEINE AND THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME CRAZY!”
There have been countless times I’ve been called crazy for this, and I refuse to tell many people about it. But, people ask me all the time, “You run all these businesses, non-stop. You're helping so many people at so many different times, all around the World! You’re doing so much! How much coffee do you drink?!” And when I answer none, they call me crazy. And what they don’t know is that, that joke they think their making about coffee actually hurts my feelings just like you’d be making fun of my mental illness. Why? Because caffeine is a bad chemical to me and induces my mental illness just like any other substance! So, be careful what you say and be careful with your words. You never know which of them will hurt someone and their mental health!
#ENDTHESTIGMA and stop assuming everything is okay just because the majority says it’s normal! I’m okay not being normal. And I’m okay working my ass off caffeine free. But don’t ridicule me for it, I am hurting just as much as the next mentally “different” person!
This is a lesson in how much people don’t know their using stigmas each and every day. This is a class on how stigma has invaded each of our daily lives and households. This is ENDING THE STIGMA 101! #CaffeineMakesMeCrazy!