I don't even like using the words "eating disorders." I'd rather use food disorder, or rather, "A complete mind-fuck!" Because whatever the hell is going on, they suck!
Absolutely everything triggers me. I've gone from skinny to fat, to fatter, too skinny, too fat, a billion times. But Hell, those words are far too stigmatizing. Although, for the sake of argument, they are the closest representation I can have of what I truly felt my body has changed like.
Heroin made me lose weight. Alcohol made me put it on and then purge it. Being in recovery I began to taste food again so I put weight on because I was eating more than every 2 weeks. And then when someone said, "You could use a gym," I immediately looked in the mirror and saw an ogreish bitch!
The profanity is for a prudent point because at these times in my life I feel that anger and hatred are the truest forms of expression that I can divulge to get you into my mind.
But hatred wasn't enough. Eating disorders are much more than an addiction. I call them an obsession with an addiction to a deadly mental illness...
The word "diet" alone is enough to send me into a spiral for well over a week. And not too often to we see overexercising as a way to "cope" for calorie burns. While the overall goal is to change what we see in the mirror. What we see is a false representation of an ugly distortion. Plain and simple, I don't like whatever it is I see, whether there's a positive remark or negative one coming from it at all.
I would go on a fast that would last me 300 meager calories a day. Turned to a hurting liver creating a bile build up, making me purge whether I'd like it or not. The dizziness was probably from a 2000 calorie burn workout; not a "runners high." Plus the weight band might as well been a noose. I used it in all different forms and shapes. After every sip of water. Different postures. Sucking it in. Pushing it out.
Well. Plain and simple...
EATING DISORDERS SUCK!