"So as you can see…
I was a walking oxymoron in more than just one way, and all the torture that I put my body and mind through was about to reach a breaking point in more than just one way. But what ways were there to go from here?
END! Part 1…" To read Part 1 "I'm addicted to steroids" CLICK HERE
As you can see Mike has some severe addictions to drinking, drugging, and most of all performance enhancing drugs like steroids and testosterone! Above is the last little snippet of part 1. So where does the mayhem continue? See part 2 here...
START! Part 2...
So there I was drinking and drugging on a daily basis, abusing steroids, and various “athletic chemicals” in an effort to feel better about myself. I was pretending like I had it all together when in reality I was barely holding on!
At the end of 2011 I ended up in a lock-down unit of a psych ward with my body completely shutting down from withdrawal and all of the toxins that I'd been using. I lost nearly 70 pounds of primarily muscle in a span of 9 short months. Talk about loss of control!
While that should've been my rock bottom, it wasn’t. I continued to have brief stints of abstinence as a “dry drunk” or “static addict,” followed by multiple strung-out relapses that included a combination of pro-hormones, research chemicals, and flat out steroids.
My latest, God-willing, last relapse started with another “real steroid cycle.”
I thought that I could do only anabolic and began injecting 3 different steroids on top of insulin-growth factor and peptides in one of my most aggressive cycles ever! And as I desperately needed to regain my muscle and size to feel better about myself—as I hadn’t yet done any meaningful work on myself—I was 170 lbs. and pathetic in my mind. I was a far cry from the well over 200 pound muscle beast I used to be.
Shortly after started my cycle I told myself that I needed to smoke some weed to mellow myself out from the steroids, even though I'd never had ROID RAGE, which I feel is a lie for assholes to avoid blame for their behavior! I convinced myself smoking would prevent that… Did it? We'll see.
Now, because I was lifting more aggressively I told myself that I needed painkillers to ease all of the pain that I was starting to feel. And then the incomprehensible demoralization came back. My life was a chore yet again and every day I came too and passed out, all over again! Every moment was spent too afraid to live, yet, I was too afraid to kill myself.
On a random day in June of 2013 I finally had enough and became willing to do whatever it took to find recovery. As a result, my self-esteem and self-worth was found for the first time ever. I didn't need validation from others to feel okay about myself. My body dysmorphia and complicated relationship with food and exercise improved dramatically. In fact, if I feel those issues starting to re-surface today it's one of my first signs that my spiritual condition and recovery is lacking and needs to be worked on.
Today I've found a mostly positive balance and relationship with all aspects of fitness. I no longer use my outsides to falsely represent my insides. And yes...
-I still work hard at my physique.
-I still workout somehow every single day.
-I still “diet down” when I want to look “special” so long as I feel my mental health is in order to do so.
I know that all seems counter-intuitive and that I am still being controlled by my body dysmorphia and insecurity. But it’s hard to explain, and somehow, through a lot of hard work and practice, my fitness has become a part of my recovery process. The exercise I do has become a form of meditation, and working on keeping myself healthy and fit has become a form of living amends to myself. I am so blessed, today I can’t even describe it except smile while writing this!
This is the longest period of time since I was 21.5 years old that I'm not using athletic chemicals or “cycling” steroids. So in reality I am just now learning how to really sculpt and maintain my body through diet and exercise. This is the best I’ve ever been naturally, and it’s the most fun I’ve ever had doing so.
Sure, my results take much longer. And sure I will never be "as good” as I once was. But to know this is all hard work and dedication without chemical aid makes it so much more enjoyable. Recovery through fitness and mindfulness EMPOWERS me instead of CONTROLS me. And that's the biggest gift of all.
My name is Marv of One Rep at a Time, Fitness and Recovery. I'm in recovery and damn proud of it, just for today!