I lost my son AG (Aaron) to an overdose, and today, I am struggling with letting go of what I can no longer control. I'm scared that my nightmare, losing AG to an overdose, will happen to my daughter.
This letting go of what I can no longer control was easy to do when I found out my former husband cheated on me. A piece of cake, if you can believe it. When I discovered his infidelity, my feelings of loneliness led me directly down the road to divorce… so simple, compared to taking abuse from my kids and riding the roller coaster of despair with them.
I stopped counting the times my kids hurt me, using the grandchildren as pawns and punishing me by preventing me from seeing them. I continue to forgive them. I can’t seem to help showing them that I’m desperate for love, desperate to see them and hold them and talk to them. This is what I've become in my addiction to the addict.
But when it comes to my daughter, who cares for my grandson, letting go of what I can no longer control means I have to trust in a higher power that loves them both. I've been in my grandson's life since he was born. He calls me Savta, which means grand-mother in Hebrew.
In March 2017, I took my daughter to court to exercise my grandparent’s rights. I'll continue this fight but I know in the end that she has total authority, even if she's an addict and family services hasn't shut her down yet. I have to continue renewing my rights as a grandmother in trying to see him, so that someday, somehow, he knows that I haven’t forgotten him, that I will always love him.
This past weekend I bought tons of stuff to celebrate his 9th birthday. The day came and went, and I never saw him. However lost she is, hurting me gives her a measure of control, although it is my grandson who suffers. I have to let go, find my serenity and begin to live my own life.
I need to look at this as a gift from my higher power. I need to start fresh, a difficult task because I have eight years of love invested in my precious grandson’s life. It has been a rocky storm since I first saw his face, because I raised three kids on my own, and I'm not a drug addict.
Living with addiction creates an addiction of my own, to the drama and the upheaval, the pain and the loss. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But little by little, I'm learning to let go. Letting go means I’m starting a new clean slate. Letting go is a lifetime journey for me. I don't think I'll graduate with honors, and some days will be harder than others, I know. For today, this day, I choose to let go of what I can no longer control.
Letting go means I need to give my daughter the dignity and the respect that she deserves to live her own life and take care of her son. She made the first step by not looking back and leaving her apartment in Brooklyn after she was assaulted by her drug/mental addict boyfriend. She walked away from a beautiful apartment into a Domestic Violent Shelter in NYC. That was a huge step for her but she did it and I have to trust she will make it.
I will always be a mother, but I'm no longer someone’s wife. For so many years, I've been taking care of three. Today, I'm learning to take care of one…and that one is me.
Founded by Miriam, Brother to Aaron, Daughter of Author, and Sister to someone still suffering...