Goddammit why do I feel this way? I’ve screwed up so much in my life that I’m not sure how many more promises I can break! You were always there for me from the beginning, even though we only met a couple of years ago. It’s easy for me to say that I’ve been connected to you since I started my life, and the moment you started yours I knew what I was living for, it just never showed up until the day we met. And when I screw up it’s just a reminder, that you’re what makes me whole.
I hope you never leave, because we both know that you’re the fire within my soul. You are what makes me burn and infect this world with greatness. With you, I know that I’m a great man, but before it was just so hard to see! You pulled it out of me with the ease of greasing up car parts that have been rusting for a while, but not too damaged. You resurrected my soul, and if I ever lost that fire, I’m not sure I’d ever be able to be whole.
Your love is infectious, but I know when I act like I used to, those times before you helped me realize my true potential, that it has the potential to ruin all that we’ve worked for in OUR lives. It’s hard when I get wrapped up in those moments too because I feel like I have a loss of control. But, all it takes to bring me back is a simple soft, tender touch, and whisper of an “I love you” from you my one true love, the one I won’t give up on, ever, and forever my sweet serenity. Because without you at my side, I’m not serene. I’m not just. I’m anger in lust with itself, taking with no return, speaking with no remorse, and hurting with no end in sight. And I’m not sure if it’s my turn to save you my sweet serenity…
The moment your eyes turn from dry to wet there’s that feeling of regret. That feeling that I said I never had? You give me more than I ever thought I was capable of before. I’ve used drugs, people, and other things like food to mask my emotions. But, this time I want to feel! I want to feel you when you’re good, bad, sad, mad; all of it! I want to feel you because when I know you’re sincere—which is all the time—that I can finally feel without hurting anymore! I used to hurt so much, and I’d mask it, but this time the feeling I have with you is a feeling of “being enough.” The feeling I have with you is better than feeling nothing at all, and it’s true, I love you! My sweet serenity, I’d rather feel pain with you, than cover up anything and everything with some stupid one-night fix. My world is turned upside down with all of these sounds roaring when we get into something—a fight—but you know that is what I crave for today because it makes me feel alive! You give me the motivation in my life to push for one more cent in our bank, one more minute of air, one more glass of water, and one more moment to prove that with your love I am finally trustworthy!
As I work my way through this little eulogy of me to you, of me and you, I started with a “Why?” and a “Goddammit.” But, now knowing what I’ve learned from you, although I may have screwed up, I know now that your love is always enough to turn things around. Just for today, I am able to shed myself of this dead weight I feel that holds me back and strive for greatness because I know that I can let go of my resentments; because of your love, our love. Again, I am now feeling hopeful again, in my own little space to work things out. I am whole again. You are always enough, you do the greatest things any man could ask for in his loving, compassionate woman. You are my sweet serenity, but if you don’t know, you’re so much more. You’re an amazing, hard working wife, compassionate and loving daughter, the other half to our creation Substance For You, and my realness to reality. You wake me up when I feel like sleeping the pain away. You are my wholeness no matter what, and with that I—I mean we—can conquer the world. You are enough!
And what is this that I’m writing? I know it’s a part of my “Dear Serenity” series, and it’s a terrific blog post meant to inspire the world with my recovery journey, but I also know that it’s my way of working out the good and the bad. It’s a way to help me start to heal when I need just a few moments away. And then it’s a way to send you my thoughts in full, share it with the world hoping to help someone else. This is recovery in its fullest because this is real life, this is more than us, this is the epitome of what everyone in any recovery is and can go through. So I hold my head up high, proving our life as an example to be proud of each other, opening a new chapter in our lives to heal each other and the lives of our world. I then bow my head in a prayer for you, our families, and a chance to lift your spirit hoping you know that you’re beautiful and then I rush into the room with a kiss on your lips, holding you tight, knowing we are meant for so much more, while being blissfully forgiven in, 3… 2… 1! I love you! My sweet serenity…
-You make me a better man! Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin!
-I wrote this just for you <3 Sinulat ko ito para sa iyo!
-No I don't care who sees! Wala akong pakielam kung sino ang makakita!
-Why? Cuz I wanna grow old with you… Dahil gusto kong tumanda kasama ka!
-Us in 80 years —>
-Mahal kita mahal ko
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