Hi! I'm Torill from Norway!
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. With alcoholism, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. I was the oldest daughter—the second oldest child—and took on the role of parenting early on. When my youngest sibling was born with a disability it was I who took care of her, carried her out when the weather was good, tickled her "useless" feet with grass, and told her stories about reaching for the sun with the wind stroking our faces. The grown ups said she was a punishment from god. We weren't even religious.
There was always a party at our house. Us kids used to sip the tiny bits of left overs from the bottles. It was silly—just a few drops—but we felt really hardcore. I was around 8 years old when I found half a bottle of booze. I got drunk, and it was the best feeling ever. I was so broken inside. Numb. And the booze just… it felt like being hugged by a cloud. From then on my life was a down ward spiral of violence, rape, and getting drunk afterwards to escape the emotions and images.
At 13 I was so used to drinking that it really didn't do anything for me. And I discovered zippo lighter gas. God, the first time I did it my mind exploded into a million stars, and everything else just vanished. I vanished! I did this for some time, until one time I inhaled the gas in a forest mid-winter and passed out. I was found several hours later, and was so cold; I nearly died. That scared me straight for a while.
The memories and constant bad relationships, abusers were drawn to me like flies to shit sent me searching for something else to help me disconnect with everything. And I found a psycopath. I was tortured mentally, physical, and sexual from the age of 15 to 21. At 21 I escaped. Leaving my 2 children behind. That was the last drop. I broke. Amphetamin, pills, and weed became my life.
The longing for my kids became so strong that I managed to pull my self together for a while. Long enough to go through two custody battles, and win. I thought that getting my kids back would fix me. And it did. For a time. Until my past got to close! The memories started haunting me and I was back on pills and weed. Which led to the moment I wrote about on the Substance For You Instagram post (go here to Instagram). I knew I had to do something but I didn't know how.
I realized I was missing out on everything by chasing the drugs and alcohol. My life, my kids life. And by coincidence, or fate, I don't know yet, I met a person who went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. This person stood by me when I flushed my painkillers in the toilet, I was amazed by how supportive the people at the meetings were towards me. I felt like a no good low life, white trash. But then, I got the strength to face my shame, my actions, and after a VERY long time I learned to love my self. Which eventually made me able to open my self up to being loved by that special someone
I am now clean and partly serene since January 29th 2011!
With love from Norway,