I’m in recovery from drugs and alcohol and I always sell myself short, and I severely undervalue myself. It seems like at every turn and corner that I’m doing something for a lot less than what I feel that I’m worth, or even the job, situation, or reason is worth. With this comes a lot of resentment because after a while I start to feel underappreciated. And that’s pretty typical. It will go in cycles, too.
It’s like every time I think that I get a big break because a client, friend, or family member shows me some appreciation, or I get a little extra here and there, or someone tells me how much they value me because I listened to them, or just something more than I’m used to—which isn’t a lot—then my whole system resets itself and I begin to build a tolerance of resentments.
This isn’t good because I will eventually relapse, or set myself up for an unhappy life if I don’t relapse. Why? Because I’m not giving myself what I’m worth, and I know that I work damn hard for my recovery and living a positive lifestyle. And that means that I should be living a life that shows I’m worth it! Because, everyone who tries their hardest at something—win or fail—is always a success in my eyes.
You don’t have to be the best at something in order to be succeeding at it. Remember, it’s about progress not perfection! And for me, I always try to go the extra mile with everything! Then I’ll burn myself out and not be happy and eventually start doing a piss poor job at it anyways… What comes next is a dry drunk scenario, where I’m still clean but miserable with my life. I have two options with this and they are to go back to using, just like my behavior, or start working a better recovery program and stick to some sort of spiritual principality.
If I treat myself with any sort of value that’s not with the best of intentions I get really angry, too. And it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s not like they're taking advantage of me on purpose. It’s more like I hadn’t shown up to play ball and they’re throwing 100 mph heaters right down the middle. Yeah, if I don’t swing I’ll strike out… but on the other hand if I do swing, sure and steady, with that amount of speed going back and forth I will hit a home run! I just have to give myself the value I’m worth, but let others know it too! That’s a part of the game we all play in life.
You have to show others what you think your value is, or else, you’ll begin to feel resentments and head back towards relapse. Plus, you’ll always get dealt the short stick and never be able to move up in a world, as well as recovery, that demands you to keep yourself moving forward for survival! It’s key that we keep moving forward!
I’m starting to get better about it, but I still feel like I don’t even know what my worth is because during addiction I beat myself up so much that I thought I was a shitty person who didn’t deserve anything! And I know you’ve felt that way, too! But, it’s just simply not true…
We are all human beings who deserve love and empathetic emotions in our lives. But, it will all come from what people when we show them what we feel that we are worth, too! They won’t just give it, and recovery isn’t just granted… it’s earned!
So I urge you—if you haven’t—to do a severely comprehensive moral inventory! This will set the boundaries for beginning to know your own worth. And if you feel you can’t do it alone—which I urge you not to do—then do it with someone a little bit more experiences than yourself! And heck, while you’re waiting, tell yourself that you’re worth each and every breath you take! Because you are, my friend. YOU ARE WORTH IT! And recovery is worth it, too. So get to work, friend!