Official Website of SubstanceForYou.Com
Cart 0

Hungry for Starvation: A Personal Journey through Anorexia

Brian McCollom anorexia control disease euphoria Health hungry illness Mental Health purge purging Treatment

Eating disorders are incredibly complicated diseases.  The same behaviors and thought patterns morph into various meanings and purposes.  For me, it has been a series of opposites.  At times, anorexia has made me feel in control and other times out of control.  It has provided me with the illusion of achieving health and has supplied me with a means of inflicting pain and harm onto myself.  It has created a false sense of strength and of weakness.  It has enabled me to numb and to become overstimulated.  Most of all, it has been my best friend and my worst nightmare.

My eating disorder began as a means to getting healthy.  I tried to “eat clean” and focused on nutritionally-dense foods.  The idea was to supply my body with the best chances for getting stronger.  But all of that changed when I decided to listen to the diet industry rhetoric and do a cleanse.  It transformed me, and I’ve never been the same since.

Courtesy of buzzfeed.com

A few days of not eating showed me the euphoric high that comes from starvation.  At first, it seemed incredible.  I had so much more energy, focus, initiative, and motivation, all of which made me feel invincible.  Consequently, the desire for that heightened drive usurped any inkling to eat.  I began to wonder if food was even needed.  

It was only a matter of time before all of that changed.  I craved that intense hunger and needed to go longer without food to achieve it.  Plus, the less I ate, the more obsessed I became.  In turn, I studied calorie counts, read recipes that I knew I’d never make, and looked at endless photos of food items.  My relentless pursuit of hunger continued until it was all I cared about.  Other interests became obsolete.  My ability to feel emotions vanished.  I became a shell of myself.

At that point, anorexia completely hijacked my life.  I succumbed to its power and plummeted deep into its dark hole.  Soon, I began to hate myself and projected that loathing onto my body.  I couldn’t stand my image in the mirror, yet I couldn’t stop incessantly staring and scrutinizing every inch of flesh.  I kept touching each bone that stuck out, as if feeling my skeleton would somehow free me from the prison of my mind.  I stepped on and off the scale constantly each day.  Every time the number stayed the same, I would despise myself a little bit more.

Through all of this, I began to distance myself from everyone.  I canceled on plans for fear that food might be involved.  I chose to stay home to look at food pictures instead of getting together with people.  I stopped talking to those who cared about me, so that I could listen to the requests of the disease.  In short, I isolated myself and closed off.

The resulting loneliness only served as another outlet for the eating disorder.  It convinced me that it was my friend.  The hunger would keep me company.  It would stay by my side, as long as I obeyed its demand to starve.  Before long, I started to find the hunger pangs comfortable.  I was missing human connection so much that I began to think of pangs as a sensation, like my stomach was being hugged.  It was not.  Pangs were a way for my body to try to get my attention, metaphorically and literally screaming out to be fed.

Courtesy of buzzfeed.com

The situation continued to decline.  I began exercising two, sometimes three times a day.  Each time, the first thing I would do when I returned home was check the scale.  If it hadn’t gone down, back to the gym I would go.  Additionally, I started intentionally making myself purge, hoping that I could empty my stomach and have the feeling of starvation more quickly.  I wasn’t eating enough for it to have that effect.  However, it was soothing in a way.  Intentional purging was a violent act against myself, and I found masochistic pleasure in that self-harm.  The amount of self-loathing that I held was intolerable, and making myself physically hurt made sense to me in a perverse way.  I felt hopeless and was absolutely miserable.

By all accounts, I was a slave to anorexia.  I listened to it at the expense of my health, my relationships, and most of all my sanity.  It sabotaged my life by consuming all of my attention and destroying everything in its wake.  It caused countless moments of pathetic desperation, incited panic attacks, and sucked away my happiness and energy.

Despite the seemingly impenetrable darkness that plagued me, I resolved that this would not be where my story ends.  I recognized that adhering to anorexia was like playing in quicksand.  If I engaged in the behaviors, even just a little bit, the disorder would swallow me back into its malicious trap.  

With my new found determination, I decided I was done taking commands from the manipulative, twisted illness.  I started fighting with every fiber of my being to regain my life.  I sought out support wherever I could find it.  Most importantly, I enlisted the help of a wonderful treatment team, who continues to push me forward to this day.

My life will forever be altered by my experience with anorexia.  I may always have to be cognizant of my food, exercise, and body image issues.  However, I now count hope, resilience, and strength as my core qualities.  Moreover, I honor my struggles for making me the person I am today.

Writing my story is not easy.  Yet, as I do so, I can’t help but be grateful that it is in past tense instead of present.  I’ll never forget where I came from, but I am so glad that I am no longer headed in that direction.  Recovery is a long road, and there is still plenty of work to do.  The key is that I am now focused on making progress towards health, body positivity, and self-love.

No matter what demons you may have in your past, do not let them destroy your future.  Any day can be the day you decide to make a change and improve your life.  Recovery is incredibly challenging, but it is worth it.  Be brave, your life depends on it.

Lil Fighter Bean has been in recovery for anorexia for almost a year.  Recovery is tough, but it is a war worth fighting.  Follow her on twitter by clicking here —-> @lilfighterbean 

 

anorexia Anorexia Hungry for Starvation: A Personal Journey through Anorexia Logoanorexia anorexia about drug addiction about drugs addiction about heroin addiction abuse drug rehab addicted addicted addicted drug addicted to drug addiction addiction addiction and MENTAL ILLNESS addiction book addiction ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA ANOREXIA drug addiction drug treatment addiction free addiction help addiction heroin addiction in addiction of drug addiction addiction blog addiction center addiction help addiction support groups addiction to addiction addiction to drug addiction to drugs addiction to heroin addiction to MENTAL ILLNESS addiction treatment addiction treatment center addiction treatment centers addiction treatment program addiction treatment programs addiction treatments addictions and MENTAL ILLNESS addictions book addictions help addictions abuse treatment addiction help addiction treatment treatment center an addiction is an addiction co addiction cocaine addiction help cocaine addiction treatment cost of heroin detox from herion detox heroin detoxing from heroin drug abuse drug abuse help drug abuse treatment drug addicted son drug addiction drug addiction and drug addiction blog drug addiction book drug addiction help drug addiction help free drug addiction is drug addiction reasons drug addiction MENTAL ILLNESS drug addiction rehab drug addiction treatment drug addictions drug and addiction drug and treatment drug and drug addiction drug detox drug of addiction drug MENTAL ILLNESS drug rehab drug rehab centers drug treatment centers free addiction free addiction free drug addiction help help addiction help drug addiction help for addiction help for addictions help for addicts help for cocaine addiction help for drug addiction help for drug addicts help with addiction help with drug addiction herion addiction herion addiction treatment herion detox herion rehab herion treatment heroin abuse heroin abuse treatment heroin addict heroin addiction heroin addiction and heroin addiction blog heroin addiction cure heroin addiction drug heroin addiction facts heroin addiction MENTAL ILLNESS heroin addiction signs heroin addiction stories heroin addiction symptoms heroin addiction treatment heroin addiction treatment centers heroin addiction treatments heroin addiction true stories heroin addictions heroin addicts heroin clinic heroin clinics heroin detox heroin detox at home heroin detoxification heroin drug abuse heroin drugs heroin facts heroin history heroin overdose treatment heroin rehabilitation heroin rehabilitation centers heroin support groups heroin treatment heroin treatment center heroin treatment centers heroin treatment options heroin treatment programs heroin treatments heroin withdrawal heroin withdrawal symptoms heroin withdrawal treatment heroine addiction heroine detox heroine treatment heroine withdrawal treatment how to help addiction how to help drug addiction how to help with drug addiction how to treat heroin addiction just tee lsd treatment marijuana addiction help marijuana addiction treatment opiate addiction opiate addiction treatment opioid addiction treatment overcoming heroin addiction reasons for addiction
MENTAL ILLNESS addiction and addiction MENTAL ILLNESS drug addiction MENTAL ILLNESS for drug addiction MENTAL ILLNESS from addiction MENTAL ILLNESS from addictions MENTAL ILLNESS from drug addiction MENTAL ILLNESS from heroin addiction MENTAL ILLNESS in addiction signs of heroin addiction sober january 2015 substance abuse substance abuse help substance abuse treatment the drug addiction treating heroin addiction treatment for addiction treatment for drug abuse treatment for drug addiction treatment for herion treatment for heroin treatment for heroin addiction treatment for heroin addicts treatment for substance abuse treatment heroin treatment heroin addiction treatment of heroin MENTAL ILLNESS MENTAL ILLNESS MENTAL ILLNESS MENTAL ILLNESS treatment of heroin addiction treatment options for heroin treatments for heroin treatments for heroin addiction ways to combat drug abuse what drug addiction what is a drug addiction MENTAL ILLNESS MENTAL ILLNESS MENTAL ILLNESS MENTAL ILLNESS what is addiction MENTAL ILLNESS what is drug addiction what is heroin addiction what is MENTAL ILLNESS from addiction what is the drug addiction what to do with a drug addicted son why drug addiction


Older Post Newer Post


Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published