I was two weeks rage free today, but I slipped. And living with the remorse of anger is one of the hardest things I’ve yet to overcome. I am 5+ years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol but that isn’t to say I’m a saint. I remain enslaved by my anger and still succumb to mental health issues. Most people would call this a bad day, but I call it a cyclone. I feel the impulsivity of that uncontrollable beast roll upon me, and I immediately regret it, knowing what is to become of me. I am living, day by day, in the remorse of what I had done during a tyrannical fit. And my question is, “Will Beauty always forgive and love the Beast?”
You ask, “How does a grown man have a fit?” And I truly don’t know. It scares me to the core. I feel like I could pass the psychopath test during my times of outburst. I act belligerent, and it’s something I still let consume me, five years clean. I even got off on calling myself labels and stigmas although I am one of the biggest persons to live for the fight. I fight to end stigmas every day of my life, but the truth is, if I didn’t tell this story and prove that this is by far one of the biggest humanly struggles then I would be hiding the stigma, building the stigma for failure, and making it worse with my silence. So to that I say I will be silent no more. These words from a bad situation can create a turning point in our struggle to defeat stigmas with the purity in fact that I still struggle with them, and so do many others!
I practice recovery on a daily basis, and today marked my two weeks rage free. But, today I slipped with my anger. No, I didn’t use drugs and it is possible to slipped with mental health issues and still be in recovery while remaining alcohol and drug free. So truth be told, yes, I slipped with my anger and I instantly regretted it. Half of the battle is my struggle between, “Am I a bad man?” or do I just do bad things? I ask myself this during every fit I have, and my wife begs me to forgive myself. (To you my Beauty I am sorry mahal ko. I am a better man because of you, there’s no question there!)
I drive myself further into madness by the sounds of nothing, too. It’s the silence that gets me to dive deeper into my anger because I become afraid! With nothing there to feed my anger, I let it feed on myself creating a tornado of issues that are inescapable. Although the only person I’d ever hurt in this world is myself, on the exterior I seem maniacal. I begin to brutalize my own psyche and go through the motions of hating myself all over again. Today I was two weeks rage free, but I slipped. I’m now living with the regret and remorse of my passed emotions.
Why does silence feed this insecurity I have even more? I have to think it’s because if there is no reason, no why, no “because” of why it’s happening then there are no answers for me to fix it. The problem in all actuality is that the only person who can fix it is myself. But how when I’m stuck so close to the border of losing it all? I get so scared being inside myself, I burst with damage left to everything within the blast radius! I let my emotions cave in so far that I begin to combust and expel to those around me. It’s truly a horrifying experience, and I live with the agony every single day!
If there was one harmful health habit that I wish I could change it would be anger. But why don’t I?
I get so scared when I get so angry. It’s not because I’m a coward, and I certainly don’t look like one. I’m 6’4’’ and 265 pounds, so when I get out of control I don’t look scared. But, the ultimate conclusion that calms me down is a little bit of shushing and hugs from my wife. I feel like a little kid again, needing the reassurance of some loving arms to get me to snap out of it. Once the world doesn’t seem as scary as I make it out to be then I can begin to evaluate what set me off.
When evaluating what set me off, I don’t really come to a good conclusion. I typically shift the blame, and that I’m aware of. And for that I am truly and utterly sorry. I feel being a spiritual man and a man claimed for recovery that I’m untainted in those moments of “coming too.” But I will admit it now, while in remorse, I am not perfect. No one is! I am no saint; I still struggle with things. This is my honesty and heart shining through, spilling my guts, and waiting for either a reprimand or a reprieve! Someone save me now. I still struggle, but just with different issues… this is why I will be in recovery for the rest of my life!
“To err is human.” So live by this code. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how we move forward that defines us.
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