Mental health issues, panic attacks, and anxiety conditions effect many of people. Here is my account with mental health issues in hopes to let everyone who needs it to know that: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Having a panic attack is more common than anyone would think, but when thinking in the irrational state of mind, how do you comprehend this anyway? Here’s my experience with panic attacks, mental health issues, and my addictions.
My mind’s setting is constantly in the past and I’m dreading the mistakes I’ve made, could make, and might never make. I can’t wash my hands clean and absolve my sins as easily as everyone asks of me. “Why!” I scream.
Mindful thoughts of the irrational speaks to me through thought, action, and deliberation. My mind is constantly battling like fire against ice. Neither side wins. The battle is a battle of not knowing, the fear of waiting, and a terrible danger of “what if?”
When panic sets in, it happens. It just happens. When it takes over, there is no controlling it. Nothing will sound rational, and the fear is caused by the fear itself. The panic builds off of itself and any little hindering effect to my life will lead to paramount exacerbation of the symptoms.
When I have a panic attack there is nothing spurring me and there is no casual reason. I’m scared of being scared. I dread for the future and hoping that what is happening now (paranoia and panic) will never happen again. I get scared that the panic will set it again, and in result inducing my panic all over again, for absolutely no comprehensible reason. I start to worry about worrying which causes me to scream: “WHEN WILL IT STOP?”
Being a young adult in my mid 20s during an episode of panic I begin to resort to childish ways again, and it’s too greedy, it’s a pure tantrum driven by the fear of “what if,” once again.
Eventually it stops and the symptoms dissipate, and surprisingly all at once. The panic came in as a blaze of glory and left me all the same. But the fire seemed to burn and scar just a little bit deeper. As the scars build the skin becomes tougher. Through struggle we learn that nature is just trying to strengthen us. Yet, I still feel hopeless, so what do I do?
I yell and I scream, yelling passive thoughts of suicidal tendencies, while the only reason I worry is because I think that I’m dying. How does that make sense? I get so afraid of my life ending because of this exact moment, I threaten to beat the reaper to bringing my unfortified “suspected” doom and demise.
After a couple of minutes of pure incomprehension and blurting out that I wish for it to end, it get’s worse. As some will say, “The night is always darkest before the dawn.” While things seem to come to a peak, an ultimate climax, like my highs would when I was abusing and misusing drugs. Then, the eventual comedown after the beast from within is caste to the world, ridding me of my sins (for now… I think).
As things get worse and panic builds to hurt and devastation, I scream it: “KILL ME BEFORE IT TAKES ME FIRST!”
Crying and screaming in a ball underneath a cover of cold sweats I begin to exalt my sins, but not before looking like a toddler crying for his mothers teat. “Feed me something, anything but this!”
No one knows the right words to say, I feel as if no one understands the true nature of it. I feel completely alone in my mind besides the voices that keep me company through torment and emotional torture. The voices start screaming at me like I’m some sort of caged animal… as if I don’t feel caged inside my own walls enough! I start to feel that I am undeserving and nothing more than a no good drug abuser even with years clean. I cannot say that my mental health issues were caused by the active addiction I endured, but it is highly likely that there is a correlation. Not only until I am fully able to reflect does it get better.
Getting clean these feelings may arise, and still do for a lot of people with over a decade clean. You just have to realize that through the worst possible panic, using will only make it worse. “If I thought this was bad try detoxing at the same time!” I think to myself. But, don’t a lot of people who use or abuse do it in terms of self medication to get rid of these feelings in the first place? You “could” argue yes. Others will still debate other directions. But, as long as you don’t use it gets better. A lot better.
The panic turns to more rational thoughts with the more reflection and this is where things like support groups and systems come in handy, and almost essential. Without somewhere to put the voices we all get stuck in the same cycles, as we’ve all heard that insanity is repeating the same mistakes while expecting different results. We can also argue that our own best thoughts got us addicted to whatever our substance of choice is in the first place, too. Some would argue…
The feeling of not being able to let go, haunt me until I begin to finally surrender. I know you might ask why are you surrendering with years clean? But, the truth of it is, when anything that is domineering your life has that utter affect over you to create debilitation, it's time to give up what we know and turn over our unstylish thinking to something greater than ourselves (whether it be GOD, G.O.D or even an outside source). As long as you turn this feeling of uncontrollability over to someone other than yourself you begin to feel the weight of the situation start to dissipate from that very second. Cry it out on someone’s shoulder if you have to just know that you are not alone!
You begin to feel it as someone or something touches your shoulder. I feel it! God, faith, or a loved one’s spirit grasps my shoulder and the one voice shining through all of the darkness says “just believe… believe that you don’t have to do it alone and it will be okay."
When will the next time come? I don’t know. But, the best I can do is to become preemptive. I must work on calming the voices inside that hold me down with chains and barriers. I must let down the walls, I must find a confidant, someone closest to my situation. I must realize that I am not alone, and most of all I must know “this too shall pass,” because the number one truth is that I am never in this battle alone!
I must realize that panicking IS actually something that can be rationalized into the norm. I can realize that I can channel this panic into my own life’s excitement instead, turning heads by the positive vibes I’m now creating. Through excitement and working on my reservations I become a more civil minded person (finally the voices will shut up!).
Knowing yourself is the key to knowing the rationale behind panicking. To comply with this there is one tiny fact to revel on and it is that only you know yourself best! Gauge your triggers, keep a notebook of times, places, and things that may cause a “set off” and learn your body. Become aware so you know when you need your support system and when it may be time to give over those nasty thoughts to something different than yourself to create a more manageable lifestyle!
Before, in addiction, there was nothing but self-medicating these pieces in our life, and therefore we lost them. But, we never lost ourselves! Through it all, no matter how much you feel you’ve lost it, you’re always there with yourself to find eventual peace.
Nothing is permanent in this state of being, and we must live through the hope of people who inspire us to be better and the knowing that we too can become better! Some people look at one person in particular to absolve sins, but I will not get too religious for you!
“Sharing is caring” they say even if it’s making a prayer for relief or asking for help. It’s never shameful to do this and you never want to leave this feeling inside yourself. Sitting and stirring on it only creates a hotter pot to kettle, so find someone or something that you can give yourself up to whether it be for a second, minute, hour, or day, you can do this moment at a time! I have noticed the betterment just from this lifestyle choice I didn’t decide to make, but had to make in order to survive in a productive manner! Seek help or care from a loved one, or simply close your eyes and ask for the help you need! Wherever you find your comfort you never know how much they can truly understand and help you until you make the step to ask for help, once you are ready to give these negative feelings over to something/someone other than yourself. Sharing similar situations or talking to someone other than yourself may help you realize the truth: “You are not alone.”
A lot of people panic for a lot of different reasons but there is something about addiction and triggers that cause certain people to have these episodes more often than others.
Panic attacks are common, more common than you think. No matter how different or real your panic is to you, and unique your panic may be to your situation, everyone has panicked over something. There are 7 billion people on Earth and all you need is one of them to understand your feeling; that feeling to confirm you are not alone. If this article can mean anything, I want this to be your confirmation, and a safe place to rest your head. I will tell you now… YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!
How has mental health issues impacted your life? Do you experience panic and fears that are beyond what you think you know how to control? Please tell me more and how this helped you at SubstanceForYou@gmail.com
There are many out in the World suffering from many different ailments like this one, and the one true fact is that everyone must remain together because: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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