So, I’m gonna lay it out for you! Here’s my mental illness some days; still today. Although, the majority of when this took place was right when I first got clean and for about 2 years into my recovery, it can still grip me up and tear me down to this day, six years later…
I’m now six years in to my recovery and you can see the difference reflecting back. But today? Today is one of those days; I’m so blank minded. I’m also struggling on the inside, and everyone always says, “You’ve got such a great poker face.” So for those of you out there who have loved ones in the first few years of recovery and they say, “I’m in pain!” but you can’t see it… here’s a glimpse through our eyes, into our world, a know all for the world of early recovery mental illness!
I’m Brian and I’m a Bipolar Man, in recovery, dealing with agitated depression…
You’re probably asking, “How is he writing this if he’s blank-minded?” And you’re right, mental illness can be debilitating. So, I’m not sure how I push through in these moments, but I am. I’m having such a hard time thinking and it feels like I want to just sit here and stare at my computer screen a little bit longer. But when the “longer” becomes all day, my mental illness starts to degrade my life. God only knows the agony of what feeling nothing is!
I’m trapped in my own way and I can’t break free from anything. I’m stuck here, right now, and I’m a captive in my own mind. It just won’t let me go! And I’m so afraid. But, there’s nothing to show for nothing.
Nothing is showing on the outside, but I feel like I’m corroding on the inside! It’s a trap, I know. But when it comes and goes, it’s like, “Hey, surprise! I’m here, again… but shh! Let’s let no one know!”
The battle between letting go and holding on becomes such a torment that I develop a migraine, of which, I’m not sure if it’s from the off-glare submitted from the screen of this computer staring back at me from the sun? Or is it from the paranoid, angry, anxiety I get from not being able to take back my own control! The feeling, or lack thereof, takes me away to a place where I feel like I’ll never, ever change. But I know that the only way to get better is to let the secrets inside my head go and to change!
My eyes cloud up, and my sty eye is creeping in from the dryness of an obsolescent starry eyed state I give in one, and only one direction. People say, “You’re the master of holding a straight face!” as I reply to them, “But I’m screaming from the inside! Can’t you see it?” I sure can feel it, but there’s no proof! I wish I could let my soul show what’s really going on and for me to give a damn look on my face to let someone know, “This is the real me!” But they just don’t see it… will I ever change?
You can feel the tick, tick, tick… tock of the clock. But as my heart beats further, I feel, I may never be the same. You hear the saying that “Time changes everything,” but as it goes on, I dig myself a deeper hole in the spot I used to call a brain. You know? That place in between my ears and behind my eyes.
I’m now driven further by the sounds of madness! But, as my mental illness grips ahold of me you can see the poker face start to fade while I go into a state of mania and the façade crashes.
This is when you know I can’t fight it off anymore, which is what I probably shouldn’t be doing so I don’t explode like, “this.” But the end of my episode is coming near, and another series is about to play...
I’m about to let the inner demon out, the blank mindedness will cease, and I’ll slip from an agitated depression to a hyper-manic stage of rage and disillusionment in 3… 2… 1… EXPLODE!
To continue to part 2 click —> A Bipolar Man PT 2: Mania
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