The tables are turned and I’m on the end of my ropes, ready to go off on anyone or anything that crosses my path. People say it’s low blood sugar, and eating food does help, but it’s only masking the problem. What a load of crap, right? I’m a complete rage-o-holic when I finally burst from it all. I can’t control the inner feelings, when just five minutes ago I was the master of a poker face. God-darnit mental illness can be so debilitating!
(For Pt. 1: Agitated Depression go "here") cont...
Everyone seems to not understand that now, yes now, I’m in dire need of some help; unlike before they said “F-him!” But now when I can’t keep a freaking “F-bomb” from dropping and my fist from wanting to go through the wall, the big 300 lb and 6’4’’ mongrel needs a restraining chair; when all I really want is a hug from my mommy and someone to tell me that it’s okay to be scared… this too shall pass! Right? Or at least you’d hope, but you don’t know when you’re in the heat of a 35 minute or 3-hour panic attack! I call it a panic attack even though I know that they don’t last more than a few 30-seconds, but what else is it when they, I mean EVERYONE else, calls it “angry” and I call it “scared…” Can’t someone just meet me halfway!?
God-darnit mental illness can be so debilitating! God-darnit! I’m sick like a tragedy and I can’t take it, until… it’s over. For a brief moment I’m at my worst, and then, it just S.T.O.Ps. I seem to snap back into whatever reality I want it to be, but no raging, no blank-mindedness, just something everyone can agree on for once, with nearly every relationship I have “almost” severed. No I can’t time this, there is no trigger, but hey… at least it’s not forever.
These moments seemed to occur so frequently in my early recovery, and they seemed to not fully go away even to this day. But, they have gotten better and more controllable as I work on my recovery and aware of what I truly look like and feel like going through it. I’d have to say it’s more of an “I’m used to it, so let’s just not do that anymore” thing, than it is “Oh, I’ve truly gotten better…” But hey? Really if they aren’t happening like they used to or at all (recently) then what’s the difference. I guess working on yourself really does make a difference… right?
God-darnit mental illness can be debilitating, but hey! With me sharing this… you’re not alone my friends! You are not alone.
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