I don't even like using the words "eating disorders." I'd rather use food disorder, or rather, "A complete mind-fuck!" Because whatever the hell is going on, they suck!
Absolutely everything triggers me. I've gone from skinny to fat, to fatter, to skinny, to fat, a billion times. But Hell, those words are far too stigmatizing. Although, for the sake of argument, they are the closest representation I can have of what I truly felt my body has changed like.
Heroin made me lose weight. Alcohol made me put it on and then purge it. Being in recovery I began to taste food again so I put weight on because I was eating more than every 2 weeks. And then when someone said, "You could use a gym," I immediately looked in the mirror and saw an ogreish bitch!
The profanity is for a prudent point, because at these times in my life I feel that anger and hatred are the truest forms of expression that I can divulge to get you into my mind.
But hatred wasn't enough. Eating disorders are much more than an addiction. I call them an obsession to an addiction to a deadly mental illness...
The word "diet" alone is enough to send me into a spiral for well over a week. And not too often to we see overexercising as a way to "cope" for calorie burns. While the overall goal is to change what we see in the mirror. What we see is a false representation of an ugly distortion. Plain and simple, I don't like whatever it is I see, whether theres a positive remark or negative one coming from it at all.
I would go on a fast that would last me 300 meager calories a day. Turned to a hurting liver creating a bile build up, making me purge whether I'd like it or not. The dizziness was probably from a 2000 calorie burn workout; not a "runners high." Plus the weight band might as well been a noose. I used it in all different forms and shapes. After every sip of water. Different postures. Sucking it in. Pushing it out.
Well. Plain and simple...
EATING DISORDERS SUCK!
The last confession at the end of the video will blow you away! I can't believe this happens to me. Why won't it end?
To hear and see the most shocking form of my eating disorder that nearly killed me instantly 3X over view the video below for me to tell you what it is!