Hell… I’m so sorry! I’ve been so selfish lately and I feel that I’ve done a bad job of controlling it. Or is that my problem too? Controlling too much of the situation! If I knew, we wouldn’t be here. With you mad at me. This just wouldn’t or shouldn’t be happening… right? But I don’t know who I am sometimes when the worst in me comes out! I just lose it!
There’s something to your silence that tells a man, “I screwed up.” But whether or not you’re silent, I know that I shouldn’t be facing the world the way I am. And the way that I’m facing the world is as a coward! There is no excuse to my behavior, but like I said, sometimes I just lose my mind…
The way I’ve been ‘getting through’ lately is something that I should look down upon. But then people will tell me not to beat myself up too much. And when I’m stuck in a battle between me, myself, and I, I’m constantly stuck asking myself, “Well, what am I to do?” Is this a problem that a lot of you have too?
My behavior is what has gotten me here, but most of the time I don’t know where ‘here’ is and I’m just feeling trapped. So, I scream! I scream at the top of my lungs for no reason, and it’s not nice seeing someone of my size in a fit like I get. That right there is the most selfish part of it all because I’m never fully alone. I should realize that too. Whether I’m ‘alone’ or feeling ‘alone,’ my wife is usually right there to witness the entire episode. And the one I’m talking to about being selfish in this article is her, too. Heck! I talk about her in most of my articles… she goes by the codename Serenity.
So, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again… “Dear Serenity, I’m so, so sorry!” I’m sorry for:
-Being a fool
-Crying like a little grown adult baby
-Wishing someone else would fix MY problem
But you know what? There is really no ‘problem’ to fix other than I’m being too damn selfish. If I’d open up my eyes and see that the world is rooting for me then things would be a bit different… but most of the time I’m stuck with a headache and work load the size of Tim Buck Two! So, I sit back in my chair, hunched over a desk, trying to make ends meet just so I can put my head to bed at 4 A.M. and feel like I’ve accomplished something great. When in all reality, the world can wait until my mind is healthy for the true greatness to happen…
So, here I am again. Admitting to you my faults and sins. And while I think that it’s better I tell you than anyone else, there’s still work to be done. I can’t beat myself up too much. Although beating myself up is usually a part of the routine. Inflicting damage makes the pain go away, and I know that it shouldn’t be done, I look crazy, and it hurts the ones I love… I wish I could just control my urges a little bit better. But, this too shall pass, I will live to fight another day because if there is anything known about addicts, it’s that we are resilient. And mother, father, wife and I all know that Brian—me—is an addict!
Dear Serenity… will you forgive me? Again…