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Bullshit and Butterflies

Brian McCollom Bullshit Butterflies disease FML memoir Memoirs Mental Health sick sickness Suck Who am i

Trigger warning: If you feel you may be triggered please exit or proceed with caution.

Note that I am a real person with real feeling. I'm trying to live the best I can but a lot, more than not, the World is not as wonderful as we hope. So why lie?

My intentions are to be as brutally honest as helps me most. If I were to promote only recovery positive then I am a complete failure. I'm sorry...


I’m so freaking ashamed of myself for not treating this more like a blog.

I’m not a doctor.

Recovery is not all bliss and butterflies. 

And at almost 8 years in long term recovery I have not felt more shitty about myself than I do right now. 

I’m having so many panic attacks and have lived by the “fake it till you make it” model for far too fucking long!

The most therapeutic thing I did was write my first memoir. 

I was depicted as such a piece of shit! I looked—and still do— like a fucking scumbag. 

But ain’t that the fucking truth! 

What good has speaking all positive and lucky charms done me? 

Blinded me! That’s what!

So if you feel like life is a lot of bad shit. You’re not alone. 

In my life I have learned that the World is way more bad than it is good.

And yeah... does it deter me from seeing happiness? 

You bet your ass it does! 

Does it make me ask myself, “Who in the flying fuck am I?” 

Sweet Jesus yes!

So just for today I’m going to stop lying to myself and open up the Substance For You blog back to my original authentic self. 

Sorry folks but that’s just the best way I can continue to live. 

Life is definitely worth living. But something has to fucking change ASAP! 

I’m gonna be hurting my own fucking feelings a lot more from now on. But thank God I’m not a lying son of a bitch doing it. 

Hell... I’m sure the entire World can relate a whole hell of a lot more to this than anything super fluffy and bitter sweet with an after taste of horse shit!

I have NOT enjoyed living with a shit taste in my mouth and that’s going to change my friends. It is. 

And if you get anything from this. Please remember that you’re not alone. Because I forget it all the fucking time. So Dear God...

Grant me the serenity to know the difference, 

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Or something like that...

One friggen second at a time since Christmas 2010. From a former homeless, hopeless, IV shooting, moonshine drinking abusive narcissistic with love.

-Brian McCollom 


If you or someone you know is struggling please do not be afraid to ask for help. I wouldn't be anything without help or love in my life. It is not shameful to admit to pain. 

Please let others know that although this journey is so freaking tough, we are not alone.

And please leave a comment on suggestions for me on how you'd try to feel better too... I need your help and so do others reading! Amen.

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