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The Purpose of the Pink Cloud is…

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The Purpose of the Pink Cloud is…    In addiction you could say that I was in this, sort of, alternative reality. When I finally “snapped” out of it and got clean I was still in the fog phase. I was in what most would call the “pink cloud,” where everything that I knew was gone and this whole new world was in front of my eyes. God I was surprised I didn’t fall right on my face. I had everything to lose, but I had the fear of what I thought was never real, and now it was. This pink cloud was a different planet, unlike cloud 9, a whole new perception of my day-to-day.

I remember getting out of rehab, with my mom picking me outside the front doors of the hospital center and all I could say were two things… “I want a cheeseburger and to know where that bi$#! who dumped me is!” I was completely oblivious to the fact that there was still all of this anguish, pain, and suffering deep down. All that I really could focus on the first two hours after getting out of rehab was a really nice cheeseburger, although I think I had bought Burger King’s Triple Cheeseburger. I hadn’t hit that proverbial wall… yet.

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It felt like the entirety of my first three weeks clean and sober was like I had a sense of entitlement (still). I felt like I could do whatever I wanted to whomever I wanted. I was attempting to go to meetings, although I wasn’t really paying attention, I was in that “cloud.” I had not yet started to truly work on myself. But, this was the first time I tried to get clean at barely 18 years old after 3 years of opiates and more than half of a decade with illicit drugs and alcohol.

It was kind of like once I got past that cloud I was on, nothing was ever the same. The feelings, memories, hurt and torment (to either myself or others) would now forever be there. This is why they say you need to stay on top of yourself for 90 days everyday and then hey, maybe do another 90. But my problem was that stuff went from really really good whilst on the pink cloud, to hitting a freaking wall and then whomever be standing on top of that wall throwing a steaming pile of… you get the idea.

It’s sad—or safe?—to say I did relapse again about 18 months later for the very last time and then leads me to where I am today, 5.5 years clean and sober and fully working recovery, but in those in between times my life was the toughest it had ever been. I thought trying to cop some dope when I had no money was hard, well, that was a walk in the park compared to actually confronting my demons, as well as my family…

The pink cloud does more confusing than good, but hey, it’s not like we can shoot ourselves a magical cue to the brain that says, “Go away, I’ve got shit to deal with!” Why? Because we weren’t truly ready yet. We weren’t ready to see the true light of day… yet.

Now I said the pink cloud is confusing, and said it didn’t do much good, but it does do some good in hind sight. So now, If I could say there were one purpose for the pink it would be looking at that time of our lives as transitional phases. It’s not like you can just jump straight from detox to living a full membership to recovery. That would be too taxing all in it’s own. So, let us rather view the pink cloud as a blessing and reason to be confused. “We’re still working that stuff out, and then? Then the true work begins.”

Transitions in recovery are a blessing, because without them we may be sent back into old ways, habits, and thinking like before. The pink cloud may seem agitating, but is definitely needed in my mind for us to make that proper transition into a recovery we need, not a forced one. The true prayers should go to those that never make it past a pink cloud and relapse before, like they say, “The miracles happen.” So please after this article hold a moment of silence for those still suffering, and those who need to find their way past the proverbial fog and into the light known as recovery!

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