I start off at a tipping point in my life; some would call this my “rock bottom.” I was at the lowest of my lows and I had nowhere to go… but up. No one to go to, my life only had things to gain, as I’d lost so much in the aftermath of addiction. There was a hunger building.
Recovery didn’t start when my addiction ended. Recovery started when my addiction started.
I knew there was only one of two options available to get out of this at some point in my active addiction: “Death or Recovery.” I had come to this conclusion nearing the end of my addiction… go figure!
But, I kept using for a couple of years, still trying to fill this unquenchable void that kept aching to be filled. Eventually I gave in and went to rehab, but I started to get really hungry. The void needed to be filled—whether it be positive or not!
I was coming off of nothing but everything at the same exact time! It all hit me so fast! I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to.
I had simply F#$%ed up everything in my life because of drugs. It was time to make a change, but change is so hard! I mean a lot of things are hard, but this was torture! But I had no other option it was “Death or Recovery,” so to start I got clean.
Coming from nothing—with a family who had everything—I was pretty determined to do “something.” I didn’t know what this something was but, I had to earn my place and I knew it. Somehow someway it must happen!
I became extremely hungry! I wasn’t trying to do this only for myself now I needed to help everyone! [yeah everyone says make recovery about yourself.] But, recovery creates an unquenchable hunger.
I came to a realization a few months down the road into my recovery that I was always trying to prove everyone right. This isn’t a facetious type of “play” on my part… no no no no. I was just trying to find a way to make the best amends I could, right now. But, with all of my efforts to “dress to impress,” I was still a sloppy mess.
I kept clean time together and was a complete dry drunk until I realized that fixing some things within myself would make me a better person, to be better, for better people. [at least what my mind thought].
My sponsor goes, “Remember you ain’t got a number two if you never had a number one!” I get it… programs have slogans—sayings. But it’s true. You can’t have anyone standing beside you (loved one or acquaintance) if you can’t stand on two feet yourself. [I get you may be able to stand… not my point!].
There was so much of a lack of care for myself—and care for just my addiction—when I was using illicit drugs.
“You don’t become an alcoholic overnight and you sure as hell can’t un-become one as fast either…” I remember another program saying. But it’s true these things take work, as my thirst becomes more intense than ever.
I eventually caught on; starting to regulate some mood pattern, find specific hobbies tailored to me (one happened to be writing… who knew?). I began to find passions but this hunger didn’t dwindle. My hunger was full of appetite and only grew as I fed it in more positive ways. [The pendulum works both ways! Aha! Good and bad! But… good feels so much better?]
I started to see the differences in me, but then I saw the differences in the ways those around me acted as well.
What a little positive reinforcement from Numero Uno does, am I not right? And I don’t mean me as number one either, I mean you have the faith to in yourself! I know you have it in you, to overcome and destroy the obstacles ahead of you.
I came from nothing, I lost it all, and now I have more back in my life than I did before, but in a positive, healthy living way! [Stay Drug Free!]
Staying drug free is something I really must stress no matter the good or the bad, life is always going to turn out on top if you just stay clean!
It really works if you stay clean and do the right thing. As long as you are putting the right foot forth, the right things will come, as long as you stay clean!
That’s all anything everybody ever wanted, if they know you, or you know them. Stay clean, do the right thing, the right thing will happen. Have faith. It has to!
The more you go on the hungrier you’ll get.
You’ll start to see more smiles around you, you’ll see more laughter, and genuine care. This is all because you stay clean and do the right thing.
You know your body best and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Some programs argue that we “put ourselves here.” The only thing I know is we are here, now, fighting for our lives. It doesn’t do good to dwell but instead we must create, create the positivity and breath into a healthy life.
Now I continue to stay hungrier than ever, regardless of where I came from. If I didn’t have a background I’d be a nobody! I came from adversity, I beat the odds, and I’m driving myself to the top!
I’m staying hungry—this is my recovery! This is yours, too! YOU CAN DO IT! So… STAY DRUG FREE, STAY HUNGRY, AND DO THE RIGHT THING!
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