Am I a Codependent or just in Love? I’m the one in recovery. I am the one who is still with addictions; although not chemical substances. Let’s get that out there in the open right here and now. She is the sweetest thing on this Earth, and it’s love, it’s clear with me. But to you? You may have a different take.
It takes some self control not to gloat about her, and what she does for me all the time. I seem to have a compulsion with her love, it’s definitely clear to me darling. I’m still talking to her in a way here, as I do in all of my writing. I feel like I would be incomplete in recovery without her. There is just a part of me that says, “No you cannot do it without her!” or at least that’s how I was when we met, and in early, early recovery…
She feels like all I need, as Sam Smith says it best in his eclectic hit “Stay With Me.” Can you really tell that he is codependent to his lover? Or was this a story about me, that I don’t want to realize while in the thick of it all? We’ve just moved past that I thought. Well, the end will be seen soon enough.
When I first started getting clean I always wondered who’d be my savior to pick me up, as I’d always struggled before her. It’s easy for me to say that my true recovery didn’t start until she showed me ways to live 100% clean and sober, and change my attitude and behaviors, but you’d say “I’m sorry, that is an issue too.” I feel that this woman truly made a man outta me! But, some will argue: “Don’t you need to do this yourself?” So, am I reliant, or does she make me stronger? Because when she’s not there I’m down with the blues, and can’t face the truth… “I can’t do this without you!” is something I used to scream. Today, we will see.
But now that she has made me a stronger individual I feel that she struggles sometimes today, too. Those days are the hardest for me, they truly are. I feel like I come down with the same sickness she is playing off. I feel negative and volatile when she gets angry and the two play hand in hand. But my worst moments are when she won’t tell me what is wrong, she just won’t do it, and it drives me absolutely nuts!
Do you know how your lady friends will give you the, “Nothing,” answer? Us guys know that actually means, “There is something wrong, but I won’t tell you.” This breaks me most of all. When she doesn’t show happiness I feel like I’m suffocating. But, the final blow comes when I try to find out what this “nothing” means. My past starts to haunt me, the light begins to fade while partial hope begins to shatter as she clams up and my mood becomes dependent on this answer to something that is truly, probably, “nothing.” This had haunted my early recovery with nearly every conversation we had, good or bad. But, she showed me true recovery I say, am I right? You’ll see…
For her? I’d risk it all, but one thing is clear… She nor I would ever risk my sobriety or clean time. So the question arises… Am I codependent or am I just deeply head over heels? This is something that many addicts deal with, and I still deal with, although not as much as I used to. Now we become more and more comfortable with each other each and every day, while our independent behavior proses our dependent. And that’s where I will tell you that today, “I am in love.” But a few years ago, “I was dependent,” on her every move.
Yes, when my wife gets angry, I miss the glory within her beauty as she cries a hurt. The feelings become strong. But, today I’m not overwhelmed to the point of where I can’t just step back and deal with the issue at hand. The one thing a codependent has an issue with; boundaries. Becomes my strength.
“What do you need from me my love?” is something I will ask. And yes, I’ll still get a “nothing.” But when I actually step back and ask myself, “Is it okay right now to do nothing? Is she in dire need?” Usually the answer is, “Yes she’s okay to have some space,” so I step back.
THAT is the awareness that comes with recovery. And yes, this recovery may not have been possible if she wasn’t there to grasp onto early on. But, today is a different story, we are stronger beings, and I have that peace of mind that she will—and always does—come back to me after clearing her head to have a deep, meaningful life discussion with me.
So to answer your question… Am I codependent? Yes, I was. Am I in love, too? You bet your sweet behind I am!
Now I ask you!
Who has been someone by your side when no one else was? Who would you “Give it all” for? Mine is my wife, and today, I don’t care if I was codependent before because our relationship may have never made it this far if I’d of relapsed without it. But, don’t word me wrong… I am thanking the Lord that she had the personal willpower to cut back that dependency when we were finally ready to deal with SOME things on our own. And yes, I am thanking God that I am open-minded, accepting, and willing to taking a step back every once in a while, just for today, too!
Who do you love? Why do you love them? And how does it benefit you? How does it benefit them?
Be loved, my friends. BE LOVED! You ARE loved <3
If you or a loved one is struggling between the concept of love or codependency in addiction or recovery please share your story with us —-> “HERE”
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