He doesn’t see it; he really is blind to it all! I can’t tell him anymore than I have or else I’d be putting a stigma on the one I love most. But it’s just so hard to sit around and watch him stumble, smell his clothes and breath, and hear him slur his words like nothing was wrong; while everything is terribly wrong. I walk around with a smile on my face during the day when he seems to be “functioning,” but I can’t hide the fact that he’s truly breaking my heart from the inside, out. He’s a walking, talking, living and breathing addict… just like I was. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to keep my mouth shut on the true problem, “I’m an addict that loves an addict.”
During the daytime you can see his struggle and you can tell that he is in some sort of misery, but you just don’t know what it is. For me, my pain was well masked by the drugs and alcohol I was on during addiction, and during the day he hides it so well you can’t tell if he’s even high or not. But when the nighttime comes it’s a hard sight to handle. He’s slurring his speech and stumbling all over the place. I’m not sure if it’s the Dabs (90% concentrate THC), the Klonipin (Heavy tranquilizer), or if it’s the alcohol he claims to not be overusing? He says, “2 glasses of wine a day is okay!” But I always counter that when it’s chronic and effects you in a negative way, it’s a problem. He then proceeds to bow his head in misery and starts to shut anyone out who’s willing to help him.
Maybe this is why they say that doctors shouldn’t treat their patients? We are just too emotionally involved. I may know a lot about recovery—and addiction at that too—but that is just the point isn’t it? If I’m emotionally attached to him, it actually makes it harder for me to help him. I feel for the souls out there who truly know their loved one is struggling but can’t seem to get a grasp on how to help. You see? The problem is that I do know how to truly help, but I get caught up in my anger and start to rage on him every time it happens. And the times that I don’t? Well, let’s say that he doesn’t want to hear it from me, even though I’m a darn good credible source. It’s true, doctors shouldn’t treat their patients, as well as family shouldn’t try to diagnose a loved one…
But what do I do? I’m an addict myself, shouldn’t I be able to help? Or do I need to go to Al-anon myself? Where do I turn for help, when I’m not the one needing it anymore for my own addiction, but I’m needing it for someone else’s addiction. I feel that if I go to Al-Anon I’m just going to try and counter everything said at the table because of my addiction, but I can’t do that. It’s sad to say this is his addiction not mine and countering anything I could take from the meeting would just hurt my efforts even more; so I’m torn!
Video-tapping his actions like a drunken David Hasselhoff isn’t any good either because then it just makes him upset. Then what does he go do? He goes and drowns it out again. I’m stuck in this pickle of a dilemma and I know that there are many out there who share this battle with me. So for the sake of our loved ones—and our own sanity—please share this and start the conversation. Start the conversation for our loved ones who are addicted, even, or especially if you’re an addict who’s in recovery yourself. This will be the very next turning point for helping our fellow man, because God knows I don’t know what to do when I become too emotionally involved with a loved one, but what happens when we are emotionally involved with everyone? This movement is more than just our blood, because we are all brothers and sisters. Don’t you see? This story isn’t about him… it’s about all of them, still sick and suffering.
So if you share it, or if this starts a conversation, or even if you don’t know what to say, saying anything to spark a conversation to someone other than the afflicted may be our best way of gaining knowledge on helping this epidemic. I don’t have to go to Al-Anon to ask you:
“My friends… I NEED YOUR HELP!”So get out there and find a way to keep this movement rising, this recovery we hold so dear, because I know so many others need it. And you? You are the answer, so go find it!
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