I’ve been having a really hard time lately. And it’s tough. I still struggle with getting what I want and having to have it now. But, that just isn’t the way the world works, or so I’m told! There are instances in life that I will try so freaking hard to get something, and no matter what I do it just will not happen (legally)! And some things you can’t bend the rules for, but hey, I’m trying to live an honest life now a day, right?! No matter what it is, I can’t break the law to get it. So, I must learn one thing… Patience. Oh and, “You can’t always get what you want!” At least when you want it.
A big reason I want things to happen so fast in life isn’t because of my instant gratification anymore. And you’re probably surprised by that answer. But, I’m saddened because I cannot instantly gratify the one’s I love, like my wife, when in all actuality she’s never disappointed with me and more concerned with my need to get whatever it is done so fast in the first place! And then there’s always been my parents and the need to impress them, and more than not they’re still the one’s impressing me to this day. I don’t know how they do it sometimes, but I guess they still have some funk left in em! Parents really do rule…
The recent scenario I’m combating is purchasing a home. I’ve gone from being told, and confirming with my wife to waiting for more savings to put on a down payment for a nicer home, to somehow trying to weasel the federal policies in place for a nice house in a semi-okay area. While all this is happening I’m busy running around doing Substance For You and helping now run 8 different companies. At times I feel that my head is going to explode. And, I’m surprised that I can do such tasks without ever needing a drop of caffeine; but that’s beside the point!
Now I’m in talks with loan officers, mortgage dealers, sellers, and more house aficionado’s trying to coach me, while all the meanwhile I was satisfied with waiting on getting a house not even a week ago. Then I decided to take things slower, and do things one step at a time. But, today I can say I’m struggling, and as I grow nearer to the biggest purchase of my life, I’m not sure that even with all of my weaseling around that it will happen. I may still get denied in certain areas and then be right back to square one… Saving for that nicer house that my wife (and I) wanted in the first place. But why did I do this? I honestly have no idea. And honestly last week life was stress free, but it seems that I find ways to make the day a little more painful as it grows on. But… it’s not all for nothing.
Finally, to look on the brighter side of things I’ve—as of 2 hours ago—learned a great life lesson due to reflecting on scenarios like this and creating an awareness that I’d never of had in my active addiction. Before I’d be sitting here smoking a joint wondering what to do next and eventually screw up my life a little bit more than it already was. But, today I’m not in that bad of a spot.
If this house isn’t to go through because I tried my way at another instant gratification moment, then my higher power is truly speaking to me in the most glorious of ways. And like my wife says, “Things always happen for a reason.” She doesn’t say that God does them for a reason, but knowing how much we love Him and her devotion to Catholicism, she has faith that he’s listening when she says that. And she’s totally right. We will be happy whether we get it or not because we have each other…
Things do happen for a reason. Now that I’ve had time to reflect and slow down, I’m blessed either way. If the house goes through great! I’d love that and I know that I’m blessed. But if it doesn’t I’m still blessed because of where I am in recovery, my wife has health, we are happy as I’ve now graduated college, and Substance For You is really finally starting to make an impact! Life has so many blessings that we overlook in our active addiction, whether it’s to drugs or instant gratification, too. I have to say that sometimes I get blinded, and during my active addiction I would’ve never known this exact awareness that I have now, and I owe it to a loving wife, family, and most of all recovery for me being able to be clear minded enough for earning a real life lesson.
Most of the time these situations go overlooked, especially in active addiction. And they are then covered up with people, places, and things, while we aren’t given true time to reflect on what really matters. I have my health, my beautiful wife, my passion, my family by my side, and some great friends leading the recovery movement with me. All in all, life’s not bad at all, in fact, it’s truly the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself… a second chance! I know I can be selfish most of the time and when it comes to dwelling and stressing on some of the hardest decisions I’ll ever make, I have to wonder… is the struggle really worth it, or should I just take it one step at a time? We all know the answer, but it’s not easy to pick it out and put it into action when in the heat of the moment. So, by the grace of my higher power, my wife, and my renewed life in recovery, just for today I have that power. It is possible. It’s possible because of recovery, and just for today, I will ease my stress. The pain I started this article with now seems to dissipate, my headache is gone, and I begin to fall back into a more somber sense of mind. Things will be okay. Things are okay, just for today. Amen.
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