Sometimes life really throws you a curveball and things don’t work out as planned. You could be having a good day and then it takes a turn for the worst. This is what happened to me the other day, but ultimately I’m okay. With the truth being told here, I’m better than okay. Yesterday I was having a spectacular day but there were some things, in the end, that didn’t go my way. I tried so hard to fix them but maybe fixing wasn’t in the books. Do you ever have those types of situations? Well, the good thing is that I’m better than okay; I grew from it.
A few days ago wasn’t one of those days where I felt like using, but it was one of those days that started off on a super high note and then just went completely downhill from there, until I eventually hit another bottom with my wife, my sanity, and my mental health.
How do I think that it happened? Well, I started a new job in the field recently and have been also giving it my all with Substance For You; just trying to help people, yah know? I think I was riding cloud nine for the first part of the day and then reality hit me really hard. My body was physically worn down and I hadn’t had any time to take care of myself, let alone eat, which is a crucial part to your day and mine. So with that being said, and having low blood sugar anyways, I broke, I snapped, I collapsed hard. People say that I don’t really see it when I lose myself, and I would say that they’re right. But, losing myself is a very scary situation, mentally, for me, and for others...
When I lose myself I get very strong worded and I’m a loud individual. It’s not because I try to be but because I lose focus on my surroundings and I have a deep voice that can light up the block. I’m also a big, tall, muscular, and hairy man. It would be hard to stare down anyone in a fit of rage who is nearly six feet four inches tall, weighing in at 300 pounds, who goes to the gym everyday. This isn't to mention that while working other heavy lifting jobs on the side, I can be pretty intimidating. But I just don't see it… honestly!
I guess you could say that I was mentally shut down and I couldn’t have anything anymore, whether it was good or bad. And then in everyone else’s mind I turned bad; just for a moment. But that was all it took. That was all it took to almost ruin my wife’s heart, my mother’s heart again, make my little brother cry, and thank goodness our nearest neighbor is an acre away. It truly sucked, and was hard on everyone. But if I know one thing about myself and my recovery is that I’m already seeing the growth take place. I’ve already begun working on myself to be better than I was, and hopefully make sure that this doesn’t happen as long as I put the right foot forth.
Don’t you just ever have those days? I know I do five and a half years in recovery. Heck, I just told you a pretty in-depth reason that I have them. But I’m doing my best to work on them. How do I get over and better, through these situations though?
- Mentors—My father has been a huge role model in my life and if I’ve learned to trust one person who would set me straight it would be him and his hard worked experience for advice. And you know what? I found out my mom and him had the same type of struggles, while today they're what my wife and I set our marriage out to be! It's an inspiration to hear the whole side of both parts of my family, old and new. It gives me hope through shared experience. It is what hope survives on!
- Finding Activities Outside of My Home—Recently I’ve taken up some side jobs other than Substance For You. That’s not because I don’t love Substance For You, but it’s because working from home takes a toll on your mental health; especially sitting down writing at a desk all day! You would think that working from home would be easier than other jobs, but trust me… it takes a serious toll on you and your family when you have no where to escape when it's time to think! So, I found a side-job and easily got it with my resume. It’s doesn’t pay well in money but what it does pay well in is regaining my focus in priorities and mental health. Plus it keeps me on my feet, working hard, and staying humble to helping someone else. Heck, I’m even losing weight with all of the manual labor! Pretty soon I'll have abs and an outstanding attitude :)
- Gym Time—Gym time for me is crucial. Although I may have a side job or two that require me to stand, lift heavy things, and do grunt work, that’s not to say that I don’t still need to go to the gym 6 days a week! The gym gives me a boost in testosterone that no other job or walk could do. It’s lifting those heavy weights that get my blood truly flowing to where I can blow out a breath really hard while pushing those weights up and finally give it my all; and even fail doing it. I love going to muscle failure sometimes too. Why? Because it means that I’ve done my all, while still staying safe! It's my serenity spot and once my blood is flowing it actually gives me a calming effect, rather than a shot of adrenaline. I guess it works, or I just know what works for my body! You be the judge... (Consult your doctor before starting any new exercise program. I’m not a doctor. This is just my story!)
In the mean time that I’ve been doing these things, I’ve had time to reflect on what I would do if the situation were to arise again where I felt myself getting lost! And you know what? Standing back and tacking a deep breath and walking away for even 60 seconds sounds like the hardest thing in the world… before I worked on myself! But, just for today I know I can do it, and I know that my wife, my mom/dad, and brother deserve the best me just as much as I deserve the best me! So taking that breath is a constant day to day, and moment to moment, but as each breath goes on I know that when I really, extremely need to take one. I know that I can this time!
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