When I first got clean and sober, into recovery, I was so ashamed of myself and the things I'd done. I wasn't ashamed just for myself, but I was also ashamed for my family, and also what other people thought of me!
I thought that other people looked at me as a sick individual. Like I was a person who chose to do horrible things because I was fucked up in the head! But, if you know anything about addiction and what drugs do to us during active use, it's that we may not be in any rational enough state to truly make a decision that others would state as "normal" or even "positive."
I tried so hard to not live as an addict. And, I tried to look at myself without thinking of all of those things that I had done during my active use time. But with the more I suppressed those times, the sicker I got. And it was the secrecy that was killing me now! Just like I was back in active addiction all over again, although I wasn't using anything besides manipulating who I truly was or any chance on becoming stronger from those past mistakes...
Now, when it came time to date, there were many things going on inside my head. And one of them was what if I had never told the person I was dating that I was an addict. But, pshh! We know that I'd spill the beans all too soon. So, at that turning point in my life I was now at a major university and the silence was so loud, it was deafening!
What I did next was the opposite of stay quiet. I went on to publish my first best seller, which was, my memoir about my times during active use. And you'd think that was easy for me, as I'm now almost finished with my fourth book! But, it was probably one of the scariest, yet relieving times in my life. And if it didn't pay off right at that moment I printed the books, there was another part of my life that all of the terrible things I'd done in my addiction did to help me once I truly surrendered and confessed them all...
I'll give you a hint! The day that changed my life forever was when I was still at the University and began dating a Filipina girl who knew an essence of struggle. She knew what it was like to be torn down, but still, had never personally been addicted to much of anything in her life. Not to mention the sweetest cutest soul ever, that I went on to marry!
But, I couldn't go on to marry her until she knew the truth. And eventually she would have to say that she loved me enough to come to America and start a life with me, too.
And if I can give away one more hint, it's that if I hadn't gone through anything I'd gone through with my active addiction, my wife and I wouldn't be together today!
Well, here's what she said after reading my first book...
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
So can you think what happened after she closed the last chapter in my addiction memoir? We not only started our own lives together, built a rapport of trust, and grew together. But this was the moment that she knew that she was going to spend the rest of her life with me.
Again I ask, "Why?"
Because this was the first time she said three simple words. Can you guess what those pivotal moments were in our lives moving forward together?
All it took was the truth about who I am and not hiding it, recovering out loud, for her to admit three little, but huge words to me.
What were those words?
Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, just know that until you do, just for today remember... "I LOVE YOU."